BlueAngel

Thoughts from Blue Angel
2001-07-15 03:20:47 (UTC)

Hurt

I wasn't going to write this entry. I really don't want to
think about it, and writing it down is ackownledgement that
I am thinking about it. Regardless, it's been all that's
been on my mind all day. I figured I needed to express it
when I started writing nasty comments in my ICQ details.
Of course, now is when I start crying....

Jason messaged me first thing this morning to tell me that
he cheated on Juli last night. After he told me that he
wouldn't meet me purely as friends because he was afraid
he'd end up all over me, he invited Cara over to watch a
movie. He's a fucking idiot if he didn't know she wanted
him. So now I feel even less important than I did before,
and that's pretty low. She later decided to message me
(She's the only one who knows that Jason and I talked.) and
rub it in my face. He was upset about it, and she did it
on purpose! Why in the hell did they drag ME into this?
How can I get over this when they just keep ripping the
wound open?

I read Adam's profile on a site we're both on. He took all
the things he said about me off of it. That shook me up.
I changed mine too. He still talks to me, of course, and
I'm sure he feels the same that he did last week, but I
really don't feel like talking to him much. Now that I
think about it, do I really want to let him get away?

Jeremy started dating someone. Another hit right in the
stomach... I didn't want him anymore. It's just another
reminder that he was another guy I wasn't good enough for
at one point, and now he's happy. Will I ever be happy?

Everyone has been hooking up. I'm just... so lonely. I
watched a couple that came in last night. They reminded me
of things I had forgotten to miss about being with
someone. They were so comfortable with each other- holding
hands, poking each other's sides when they weren't
looking... I haven't had that in months. I started to
think about how much I wanted that, and then, I started to
think about the reasons why I don't.

She was so pretty and "cute" and thin. I can never be
that. I can never be what guys want. I'll always be the
type that only the not-so-bright guys go for. I hate
myself. I hate my life. I wish I could just go to sleep
tonight and never wake up. There's nothing left to live
for.... I have nothing to look forward to anymore. God,
why can't I just die???




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