*ReNa*

The SINS that I commit..
2002-08-20 23:08:30 (UTC)

Going insane...

I search each day for something to hurt me. I comb through
my husband's computer and all email addresses (that I know
of) with a fine toothed comb and I am still in the dark.
There is a feeling I have that I have always gotten before
each time he hurt me. Days/weeks later I'd find something.
Each thing I think I have found he gives me
some 'explination' but I see lies in his eyes. He feels he
can lie to me whenever and get away with it. It hurts me
when he can't tell me the truth about anything. I'm tired
of doing this.. feeling like something bad is always going
to happen to me. Each man i have been with has done nothing
but hurt me. Why? Why do they think they can hurt me and
Lie to me? I'm not stupid or niave. When will there be
someone who will go out of his way to show me love,
protection and that he cares, and yet still hold his
dignity and have a life of his own without cheating on me?
IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A MAN TO DO!? It kills me to feel
that my husband looks at me in disgust or resentment or
even regret. I'm doing all I can... but I just can't be
what he wants. I've asked for him to show me tell me
anything so I know... but no. He wants to get it else where
to fulfill his needs through porn or other women through
the internet. Many men I know find me mysterious,
attractive and adore me... but why not my own husband. I
have a constant feeling his cheating on me again. I'm
always ignored, he always wants to be 'alone' more, he
doesn't want to have sex most of the time, and he avoids
doing things with me. I don't understand. It tears me up
inside. If I leave will he live a better life? Already have
a 'back up'. I'll tell you one thing.. he I did leave and
found out he had a back up or has been cheating on me, or
he found a new person right away.. I'd make his life a
living hell. No way am I going to suffer for his labedo.

me