browneyedgirl

The Lover or the Beloved

Dear A,

you are sitting right here in the same room as me as i
write this. you are sitting right under the window sill. it
would ordinarily make more sense for me to just look into
your eyes and talk to you. but that would be ordinarily and
when have things ever resembled ordinary between you and i?
so sadly, with you and i there can never be conversation
free of recriminations and hurt and tears and pain so this
diary entry will have to suffice.

(i am trying hard not to cry i am having a huge anxiety
attack and feel so fucken down it is breaking my heart)

all i have to say is what i have said so many times before.
yet funnily enough it feels like i have never spoken. i
have no voice with you. these are not recriminations. this
is me speaking to you about me, about my experience of us.
ahhh the usual caveat, that means less than fucken one of
f's steaming big lounge room breakfast surprises.

all i can say to you, you that i have loved, is that you
only ever want to be the beloved. you are never the lover
and i cannot be the lover all the time. who can? i scream
over and over again.

maybe you dont know what i mean. here it is again. gently
gently so as not to raise your defenses which turn you into
a three horned slime demon.

tip toe tip toe tip toe round the boyfriend.

careful he might get jacked.

careful your heart might crack again. (note to self - just
for clarification)

you are so aware of your own needs you do not know mine.

you try so hard to justify yourself that you do not stop to
consider me.

you focus so much on your entitlements that no-one elses
matter.

you care so much about your damned (ooooopss) intentions
that you dont actually think about what shoots out of your
mouth and how that might hurt the person on the receiving
end. fuck hurting them - what about simply how it will
affect them?

you dont know me because you only know you. this is what
makes it feel like i dont matter and this is what makes it
so impossible for me to stay with you and have any
semblance of happiness or self left.

i know you have your issues - we all do but why is it that
whenever we disagree or something small and usually stupid
is raised by me to you that a simple disagreement or
argument has to become an all out war with you. its like
biological verbal chemical warfare where you choose to
annhilate me. there is no rule that says that just because
you are arguing with someone you have to hate them and
treat them like a cunt. if there has been a memo sent round
i didnt get it.

thats whats different about the way you fight - its to the
death. i ve never experienced that before - even with my
mom. even then there is a semblance of still liking and
caring about the other person. why do you do that?

one other thing.

you hold on to things you think someone has done to you,
without ever raising them with that person, ie me, without
ever giving the opportunity to clear the air or reach
resolution just so that you can feel your much loved
resentment and therefore justify your crappy actions.

one other thing.

ive noticed that if i raise an issue with you in a gentle
motherly way (yes i know you never had one) everything is
ok. but. if i treat you like my equal. like my partner.
like a man. you go commando. why do you think that is?

(i am feeling really lonely and fragile and unloved and
alone and miserable and defeated)

what more can i say to you, sitting there watching me type.

what are we to do?

Always,

Ms S.