My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-20 03:51:05 (UTC)

Love makes you stupid!

So, ok here we are, i started writing when i met this guy,
thus far i have called him "J" so lets stick with that.
he was amazing i love him a lot and yeah yeah yeah all the
good stuff, but the most important thing "j" did for me
was to open me up and allow me to fully be me. for a
large part of my life i have remained timid and shy and
always kept a large part of me closed off from others.
well that way of life sucks, i saw how proud he was of
what he had to say, and i thought ok why not, hell ill
give it a try, so i started a journal shortly after i met
him and i realized, much more interesting than i
thought i was. i mean i always had interested and view
points and opinions, but i never discussed them bc i never
felt comfy with me, so i kept that journal a big secret
for quite sometime, if noticed i had a huge explosion of
entries today, actually it was just updated versions of
that journal entries that i had written before. this
seems pretty permanent and pretty important to me right
now. this is the only way for me to move on. i look back
on when i used to write and i see how happy i was. maybe
it was becasue i also had "J" in my life then, maybe it
had nothing to do with it, maybe i was just finally proud
of something that i have been good at for years but never
let anyone elsse be a part of....writing!
Ok so now that we have that out of the way, moving on,
i am stuck. i dont wanna leave home but i dont wanna be
stuck here either, i dont wanna go back to school but i
think i need the change. i recently got invited to move
in with "that guy" again, and like a fool i said no.
thats right a big fat no..i have no idea why. i mean the
smart thing to do would be to cut my losses with "J" and
just move on, you know what?..i cant, i dont know whats
wrong with me, but i have this attachement, i have this
stupid hope that he will come back for me, i stay up at
night and imagine a happy life where we hold hands and see
each other daily, and kiss and hug, and get to have a
normal relationship adn fuck like bunnies, i dream of a
simple life with him that will most likely never happen,
so why cant i go for the guy that i have loved for a year
and honestly still do care about?..why am i being so
So this is love huh? makes you stupid makes you oblivious to the world around
you, and makes you fuck up a lot of things that you have
going well for you? if i were an intellient girl i would
just say "J" had his chance and move in with "that guy" bc
he is intelligent enough to see how great i am and doesnt
want to give me up, well thats what i am suppose to say,
but guess what..i think its a crock of shit...i love Josh
and all i want is to have him back! Do i wait, do i move
on with my life, what, what, what...tell me the answer!!!
Anywho, life is good, i think i wanna go to school and
get started with a normal life and hopefully, figure
things out, the sum total is i know what i want to do i
just dont know where or with whom i want to do it with. I
want to finish this semster take some time off and get
some money so i can go to cosmetology school next year and
have my own apartment to myself, thats heaven to me, and
to be truthful, up until he turned me down, i had full
intentions of trying to do this with "J", where ever he
ended up, but he said he didnt want me to, so now i am
stuck...the plan before "J" came along was to go back
with "that guy" after he gradauated, and that still is a
thought but who knows now, i feel so lost
without "J"....him leaving confused the hell out of me.
so i guess i am going to have to throw caution to the
wind, wait it out and see where life takes me,hopefully
towards a man that loves me, though i hate that thought of
negligence, its time i did something for me, and being out
away from school and on my own would be great