can't fight the moonlight...
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2002-08-20 03:30:45 (UTC)

i locked my keys in the car

Prolly not the smartest thing I've ever done...the nice
firemen came and unlocked the door, and it was all good,
but definitley embarresing and just aggravated the hell out
of me. so then after work i went for ice cream and my diet
just went "PHHT" onto the ground. i don't know where the
five pounds came from, but i'm pissed. oh well. i'll also
survive and stop being so damn vain. or whatever.
talking w/ mike about college stuff, feeling so far behind.
i know i should visit and stuff, but i just don't want to.
i wish the whole system of applying wasn't so damn
complicated. oh well.
jamies naggine me to write. ;) thanks hon. i wish i had
some MSR inspiration...I kinda miss writing them. i could
do sorta a "raining" thing, taking place at the camp site.
although i wanted to do a drr fic for that. got so many
ideas for that one. one day i'll have to stay late at work
and take the quiet time to just *write* i wish i had more
time just to write. *BIG SIGH* i'll get over it. i always
i wonder how much that damn phone call has affected me.
okay. deep breath. let me relate this story. another deep
when i was younger...don't know how young, just starting
the whole puberty thing...the phone rang. a doctor asked
for my mom. why was this the day she wasn't taking phone
calls? why was she too tired that day? so i said she was
unavailable. he assumed she wasn't home. she was, but oh
well. i was standing by the ironing board in our basement.
he wanted to ask me questions...i don't know the reason he
gave. not important. it went from do i wear glasses to do i
wear a bra? have i gotten my period? nothing sexual...just
stuff about my body, how my mother reacted and everything
that a thirty some number of year old man shouldn't want to
or have to know about a 9 year old girl. but he did and he
did. and when i finally got really uncomfortable and tried
to put my mom on the phone he hung up. she called the
police. i just sat there, crying, sobbing. "i'm so stupid,
i'm so stupid" if, maybe, she had contradicted me. but,
then again, i was.
i don't think about it much. but when i do...
i wonder if thats why i don't trust people. i know its why
sometimes when the phone rings i get a knot in my gut. i
don't regret it happening. no regrets. right? maybe. it
happened. maybe it helped to make me who i am.
would people say it wasn't my fault, if i told them? they'd
be lying. it was. i was old enough to know better. the
guy..yeah hes in prison. got caught on other shit years
later. was jerking off while making obscene phone calls. i
wasn't the only stupid one. but i don't hate him. i was
never mad at him, only myself. i forgave him a long time
and maybe eventually i'll forgive myself. maybe.