My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-20 03:16:04 (UTC)

The fear of writing and the reality of realization

I quit writing a long time ago, it was getting so personal
that it scared the hell out of me, drudging up all the
honesty that you have and facing what your life is, kinda
losses its appeal when what you see before you is the most
unattractive position your life can be in, so, in a
logical discussion with myself one day, as if there is
such a thing, I decided to terminate my writing and stop
facing reality. Well there you go, that helped a lot, now
in place of saying what I really mean and getting all of
my feelings, emotions, and very complex (or very naïve,
though I havent figured out which one yet) feelings out in
the open, I just cry. that’s right, my intelligent
solution to facing my life, is a very pathetic reality. I
no longer know what to do or where to go, I have lost my
drive, and I have lost the will to want to try again. So
nightly, I cry over the lose of “J.”
Yeah so obviously I lost someone very important to
me, and I lost him in the worst fashion. He didn’t die,
he was hurt, no brain damage was involved, he just simply
left. Ending everything that was good in my life he
moved, a plan that was in the works long before he met me,
but still, he left me. And thus, my writing stopped. I
now have no reason to get my thoughts out of my head, in
fact, its somewhat beneficial to keep them to myself, if I
didn’t have my thoughts right now, I wouldn’t have a whole
hell of a lot. They keep me busy and they keep me
fulfilled, I have my memories and I relive them every
night, and though yes I have cried at the thought of him
and what we had nightly for the past month, it seems to be
my only option. I cant change his decision and I cant
make him come back, I cant forget about it and as much as
I would like to, I cant go be with him. So now I am left
to think of all of this, the greatness that we had when we
were together and the sadness that I face now that we
arent. When did I become this girl? All my life I said I
would always be someone whether I had a man or not. I
always refused to be that air headed teeny bopper that
just followed a man around drooling, hung on his every
word and built her life around a completely superficial
meaningless relationship. I don’t want to seem like I
don’t have a life of my own. I do. Its just very hard to
live that life when he isn’t a part of it. So far, none
of the other guys in my life have touched me as he has.
He left a mark and changed me so much that I don’t know
what to do without him. I still manage, I still make it
day to day but now, without a future to hope for with him,
I don’t plan a whole hell of a lot. I just relive the
past, and I am a firm beleiver in moving on with your
life, so what the hell am I doing stuck here in neutral.
Its so crappy, the one thing in life that gave me a little
motivation, is now the reason why I am standing still.
False hope and mixed emotions on the whole situation are
all that I can cling to. Though I wish him well and want
nothing but the best for him, I still sometimes slip into
a very selfish and self-involved state of mind, why am I
not the best thing for him, because I know no one has even
come close to being as amazing to me as he has!