My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-20 03:15:06 (UTC)

Reality can really kick you in the butt

Ok, so I always took the idea that reality was a real
shock to most people, as bills, rent, jobs, stuff like
that. Never in a million years did I think about the
personal stuff. I always knew I could handle the jobs and
the bills, that one never phased me, when it comes down to
it and I am faced with a sink or swim option, you better
bet I can tread water with the best of them. But I never
thought that I couldn’t hack the emotional stuff. Its
hard for me to keep myself grounded in that area because I
hold so much in for such a long time that I just end up
exploding in a fit of anger, resentment, frustration, and
sadness, which then makes me seem like I am a weak person,
which is the last thing I want to come off as. I am
strong, I have survived more than most people my age I
know have, I have accomplished many things, and I know a
hell of a lot more about the real world than any of my
peers. I got that all down, what I don’t get is how to be
ok with it all.
I love my family dearly, they are my life and all
that I love for. Ding ding we have our problem. All my
life I have been living for friends and family, and now I
see that I have avoided what I really want for the most
part of my life. I just do what I think they want or what
will keep me out of trouble and forgo what I truly desire
because that would just cause a stir, the last thing we
need in this family is another “problem” and that’s what I
would be viewed as if I didn’t do for others. I want to
move out, experience the world, be by myself and see what
I can accomplish. But I know that my parents despise the
idea of me going anywhere, short of the backyard. They
want to keep me under their wings and protect me from all
harm and I cant get through to them that I want the harm..
I want the possibility of failure, because I have never
had that before. I want to go out and live for me. I
want to follow my instincts, and if my instincts tell me
to haul ass to the man that I love, get an apartment, and
go to cosmetology school then damn it will. And if my
heart, or other places, have told me to fuck “that guy”
for all he is worth as often as I can just for the hell of
it, then watch out cause I am lubing up. I have never
just gone with my idea because the minute that I open up
to my parents they mock it and tell me how hopeless I am
because I live in a fairytale and am completely oblivious
to how the world works. Well fuck that ..first off, I
know how the world works and I know that the one thing you
can count on is that you cant count on anything, so I am
prepared, I have savings, I have friends and I have the
intelligence to know when I am in over my head. I have a
good idea of what I am heading for and though yes it will
be a real shock to my system, I am ready for the shock… I
know the shock is coming so I think that that puts me
ahead of the game just a little bit don’t you?
And secondly, if anyone else decides to take it
upon themselves to tell me that I live in a fairytale
world, I will punch you in your fucking face. Though you
wont realize the power you have released, and you wont
know why I am going off at you , and though I will
apologize profusely afterwards, I will do it none the
less. Fuck all of you who are so god damn pessimistic
that you cant have a little hope. And that’s all I
have. In fact hope is what gets most of us through the
fucking day, so back the fuck off, I know what I am doing,
I just like to day dream every now and then., I know that
reality doesn’t usualy work out that way and I know that
life is pretty much going to suck as compared to my
dreams, but guess what? I am not that god damn naïve to
think that I could even compare the two. They are
separate things. I don’t want my life to be like my
dreams. I want life to be a bit of a challenge and I want
to have to work and I want to have disappointments. Your
dreams are fake and artificial and everything that I don’t
want. I want something so real that it hurts, but damn
it, isn’t it nice to every once in a while think, you know
it would be great, if the person I love would love me back
or if the person I love would give up everything for me,
or hell I wish I could sprout little pink wings and fly.
Whatever your dream is, its just that. A dream./ nothing
more and nothing less. It isn’t to be taken out of
context, and just so you know, living in a fairytale land
and being a little optimistic about things are completely
different. Its funny too because until recently I was the
constant the glass is half empty girl but I met someone
for the first time who gave me real home that “my dream”
was out there to be had. Ok ok, not my dream, by my want
for a future. And that gave me the notion that if you try
and wait and work through things, that wonderful things
can occur, and no there is not a god damn thing wrong with
that attempt. It keeps me going and makes me want to try
life. It makes me think that my future will be much
better than the realistic one that I envision.
Ok now to my point. Reality, yes it can
sneak up on you, but its different for each person, it
might be some bills to someone, and it might be emotions
to another, ether way, it will take advantage of you. I
am experiencing the emotional part right now. I know what
I want and I know how to get it, but hell if I know how to
standup to family and friends and tell them this is what I
am doing and this is how I am doing it and actually follow
through without falling into the trap that they set up
with their nay saying ways and doubting bullshit. I want
to state what I am and really pursue it just once in my
life… I mean its funny my want is pretty reasonable. I
want a job an apartment and to go to school.. Not a lot to
ask really at least I don’t think, and I think that its
something that should be supported I am trying to act like
a responsible adult and do something productive. Its not
like I am telling the world I want to learn how to be a
stripper named Cookie who incorporates fire into her pole
dance. What I want is respectable, why cant you all just
smile and say good for you, not, what they hell are you
thinking.. don’t get mad at me for this, its something
that I really want and whether you like it or not its
something I need to do and something I will accomplish
even if I kill myself trying, damn it!!!