JessyLeigh

Am I crazy? I think so!
2002-08-20 03:14:49 (UTC)

URGH!!!

Ty told me to wait in his room that he would be right back
so I did that was well over an hour ago. So I left I want
to stay with him but he keeps on doing this to me. I wish
he was gone already because he has this pull to him that
makes it impossible for me to stay away although I know in
my head that I should. There is just something about him
that I can't place my finger on. It's not like he spoils me
rotten when we are together, and its not like he is the
best guy I have ever been with but its like he has a power
over me to make me do things that I don't want to. I wish I
could find somebody up here that would treat me well but i
know I can't the only person I can think of is Justin and
we are just friends. Despite me wanting more, I know that
could never happen because then we would both lose two
friends. And I don't want to lose Lauren as a friend. She
is the best friend I have up here after Pam. I can talk to
her about things that I can't talk to Pam about. It's like
a never ending vicous cycle of bullshit. I want to go home!
I want to go anywhere but here! I hate this place! I just
hope everything gets better after this week. Mummy Matt and
Justin both say that it will, I hope that they are right
because otherwises I am going to go completely crazy and
start stabbing people. Starting with puppies. I know that
none of this is really her fault but she is being a bitch
to me about something she perceives to be my fault and it
is not. She just doesn't understand that and I don't know
how to explain it to her without seeming like a bitch.
Besides she won't listen to me she will just see it as me
trying to keep Ty all to myself. That's not what I want,
not really. I just want all of the bullshit to end and a lot
of it would if she would have never came here in the first
place. I shouldn't think like that I really shouldn't. I
make myself sound like a jealous, petty little creature and
I am not. I want what everybody wants I suppose...somebody
to love me that I could love back. I know that the likely
hood of me finding that person here is slim to none but
still like a fool I search. I don't think I could handle
having somebody love me. I think I would probably ruin it
one way or another. Not because I am a bad person just
because I wouldn't know what to do in that situation. My
head is still hurting and the stress of this place is not
making it any better. I need to get away for at least a
weekend and I don't mean to Philly because I don't know if
I am going to have any fun on that trip. The only thing
that is not going to be the same as it is up here is that
puppies won't be there. But she will be in Philly with
Kristen and will probably go and visit Ty. Then I will have
to see her and put up with her. None of my friends like her
and I don't really blame them. Justin thinks that she is
ugly and has no personility. Jason only wants to bone her,
Pam said that she is not even allowed in her car even if
she were dying and Lauren would very happily drown her.
They think that I am not upset by the situation and that I
am stupid but it is not that. What can I say that will make
a difference? Nada. I am only important to him when I will
spread my legs. And I am not sure if I am going to do that
anymore. I mean I want to but everytime I do I feel like an
idiot. I HATE THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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