My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-20 03:08:57 (UTC)

I am the poster child for the buddy system

Ok the buddy system, we all know it, we all fear it, we
all experienced it and we all hate it with a true
passion. You find that person that you really like you
make a connection you really fall for each other, and then
BOOM….IT HAPPENS. There are many ways to burst the bubble
in the realm of the buddy system, extremely intense
difference in feelings, I.e. one person feels more than
the other, there is an uncertain reason why you two cant
be together, I.e. distance, or finally, they just arent
ready to make that kind of commitment with someone, but
they think you will make a swell friend, which really
means…”I’m breaking up with you, but don’t write me off
completely because I still might try to hook up with you
now and then. I’d be miffed if you slept with someone else
but I reserve the right to screw around with impunity at
least until I realize that I made a mistake and try to get
back together with you.” (Jake’s column in Glamour, my
true handbook through life, a wonderful magazine and a
great and realistic look into what men really think.)
OK the first one is a given and completely
understandable. But it sucks ass. No one really wants to
hear that the person they care for more than anything in
this world thinks they are just a good buddy. That’s like
telling your husband/wife that they are just like a
brother/sister to you. It just cuts like a knife and
strips the relationship of what made it special for that
person. They thought that the sun rose in your eyes and
that the world revolved around you and to know that you
think of them as someone they could punch on the arm and
call “buddy” just leaves them with a feeling of
embaressment and naivity. They are reduced to looking
foolish in their so called love interests eyes and now are
ashamed of how they feel because it was all based on
speculation and out and out starry eyed romance, that
swept them away before reality could get a hold of them
and tear them to shreds. Sounds a bit brutal yes, but at
the same time that’s what some people need to realize that
their love isn’t really their love but their infatuation.
However, this isn’t always true, sometimes it truly is
love, either way. It hurts. The person that matters most
to you in the world, sees you as a common fixture of their
life and nothing life altering, they wouldn’t risk it all
for you they wouldn’t think of you when discussing hot
boys/chicks, and they would never ever in a million years
mind if you went out with some Italian model that gave you
dinner and dancing, in fact they would be happy for you,
which is sad. You have been reduced to that unfortunate
word, buddy, you are someone they care about and would lay
down their lives for but come hell or high water they
would never ever think to date you because you are just
too good of a friend.
For those out there who are so fucked up in the
head to really have no faith in fate, they let a lot of
things slip away from them without ever realizing what
they had, and set the things that matter to them most on
the back burner due to circumstances that they think they
cant control. Ok does it sound like I am speaking from
experience here or what. The only guy thus far who really
made me happy and really made me comfy is leaving and I am
stuck in this pseudo relationship pseudo buddy gray area
where I have to decide if I am to approach the
relationship thing with an open heart and an open mind or
if I have to set all of my feelings aside and just be his
friend, encourage him to date and watch hockey games with
him and talk about the girl he fucked last night, which of
course makes me want to puke. It is hard in this
situation because I know we both feel this way so it is
definitely a sticky situation. You don’t want to make a
wrong move and screw it up for the both of you but at the
same time because that person means so much to you you
would really prefer them to make the decisions because you
love them so much that their happiness matters more to you
than anything that you could ever hold important. The
buddy system. It gets you in an area where you are
absolutely powerless. It puts your back to the wall and
makes you panic because all you want to do is blow past
this part and make it to the happy ending. You can see it
on the other side and every time that person opens their
mouth it is like they are dangling your future and your
enjoyment in front of your face. So now you are faced with
resentment. All you want is to be with that person so why
the hell cant they just give it to you. it’s a selfish
place to be that really makes you seem like a basket case
but at the same time completely understandable, because
every time you examine the layout of the relationship the
most sensible thing to do would be to be together, but for
some fucked up reason fate is playing a cruel cruel joke
on you that makes you want nothing more than to stop time
fix whats wrong and continue with your happy layout, even
though we all know that this will never happen, it is good
to think about, just because it gives you momentary
Commitment, why the hell does this word ever have
to come up. I mean really you love this person you want to
be with them.. Cant they just be with you and see where
things go. It is obvious you arent going anywhere….aaahhh
theres the biggie. that’s right they have you cornered.
Yes they care about you and yes they want to be with you
but they arent done being wild and crazy so they put you
on hold while they fuck around and still expect you to be
there when they are done and are ready to settle down…who
the hell first put this action into play and why does that
make it alright? I mean it is basically like they are
saying that you are damn near amazing and you are pretty
much all they could ever want, just give them a little
time to be horribly selfish and take full advantage of
your love and they will be right back for you in a flash.
Overall, this one sucks the most in my opinion and I think
it is quite possibly the most painful one to hear.
Basically, I have experienced all of these and
have come to realize that I am the poster child for the
buddy system, I have some many damn guy friends people
really wonder about me sometimes, either I am a real
whore, or I am one of the guys. Neither of which is true.
It just happens that I have always gotten along better
with guys, and inevitably because I am a girl I do tend to
fall for them, but I typically get one of these answers in
response, or the ultimate, I don’t want to ruin our
friendship thing. Anyway you hear it the answer will
always hurt and anyway you hear it, there will be tears,
anger resentment and a complete sense of worthlessness,
which is sad yes, but don’t worry you can still be there
buddy if you want, cause you are such a great friend they
would hate to not have you around! Yeah yeah yeah a real
joke I know, but hey its all you’ve got, of course you are
going to take it.