My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-20 02:56:25 (UTC)

What the hell.......?

Does everyone else truly face a time in their lives when
they are completely uncomfortable in their own skin,
because I thought this was a teenage thing, but here I am
sneaking up on my twenties, and I am scared as hell. I
find myself completely surprised by the way I act by what
I say and how I feel. I have yet to decide if it’s a
little hormonal imbalance or I truly have a problem with
the person I am. Maybe its not the person I am, but the
surrounding in which I am that trigger my responses thus
creating different reactions.
Overall, I think that I am fairly attractive, I am
have a pretty good personality, I am kinda funny, pretty
smart for the woman of today, and am definitely a great
candidate for a very romantic and loving girlfriend who
can offer the benefits of a housewife, with the pleasure
of a lover. However, how I react to certain things here
lately makes me seriously question exactly how happy with
myself I am. don’t get me wrong, I have little to
complain about. My parents have ensured an unbelievably
satisfying life for me, however, its not that I worry
about. Its what other people see me as. I see me a pretty
good person who has a big heart, who’s worrying for all,
and wants nothing more than to show people the love she
feels for them, even if it means compromising what I want
to do, that kind of thing makes me happy, or so it seems.
I think that maybe I let too many things go and I
don’t truly state how I feel for fear of upsetting
someone. I would rather keep what I feel inside than
voice my opinion, scared that what I want is too much for
the other person. I think that I am afraid of driving
everyone away and ending up old and alone. I know where
this fear came from, “that guy“, obviously, but how to
deal with this issue is a whole other problem. I think
that because I put my heart on the line to try and make
things work between us, I lost a lot of me. I gave up too
much for love, a concept that I thought was impossible,
but I was wrong. I am willing to give up anything for
love, but it needs to be for my true love, something that
I thought “that guy” was, however I was sorely mistaken.
I let my feelings diminish and I convinced myself
that his happiness was better and more important than
mine, therefore, I now do this with everyone. I never
ever tell them what I really want and I never ever let
them get as close as I want them. I always create some
reason why they shouldn’t want me and then I convince
myself its true so that I wont have to go through the pain
of losing someone else I care about, because in my head,
they never loved me in the first place so why care if they
aren’t in my life any more. Twisted yes, truly fucked up,
of course, but that’s the way it is. I know its my
problem and I know that its weird, and yes I know that it
is interfering with my current relationships, and played a
large role in recently ended relationships, but hell if I
know what to do about it. I have yet to be in a
relationship where the opposite party really put in as
much effort as I did and I have yet to find someone that
really made me happy, but when I had “j“, hell if I knew
what to do with him. I was scared to death I was going to
lose him, and I knew that he was worth trying for, so I
freaked out about the smallest things, because inevitably,
I thought that he was going to walk out on me and leave me
alone, having broke my heart because I wasn’t good enough,
and being perfectly ok with it, because that’s what
happened before. I cant get it out of my head that not all
guys act like “that guy“, not all guys value only
themselves. Ok that is my flaw, however, I tend to worry
about things that I cant change also
I made it quite clear to “J” that I didn’t want to
know what he does with other girls because it hurts too
bad, but once again I put myself in the situation where
the guy has all the control. I knew that I wasn’t the
only girl in “that guys” life and I knew that I wasn’t top
rung on the latter, I was always second place, but still I
went for it, and still the other girl won out, so my fear
is that even though I know “J” cared for me deeply, the
reason that he left is partly because he thought there
were other girls that were better than me who would win
out because it happened before. It has little to do
with “J” and a lot to do with me thinking its just my bad
luck to have that happen. “J” told me that he wasn’t and
isn’t now looking for other girls, however, I know of
several existing girls in his life that he is really
interested in, and guess what, they are all there with
him, and yes I know that in his mind he can separate true
feelings and sex, but I cant so I do get a little wrapped
up in the idea that he is with other girls, it might mean
nothing to him, but I cant help but think it does because
that’s how I would feel about it. I honestly don’t know
what is going to happen with him.. Id liked to think that
even though we are separated we have a future but who
knows. I know that if he is patient enough, I would love
to be with him and I would love to give us a chance to
work something out because I think we would work well
together, but at the same time, I am driving myself insane
trying to question it. I cant just let it be, I must pick
at it till I cant make sense of things any more, and I end
up rambling on and on about it completely and totally
nonsensically. Whewwwww!!!! OK now that
that’s out of the way, I should move on.
Me, ok so yes I am getting better, and I am caring
less about what other people think a little more each
day. I am growing more comfy with me, when it comes to
the masses, but when it comes to individuals I think that
I still worry too much. For some reason I cant see that
people want to be around me, they really like me, or else
they wouldn’t still be around, they would have left a long
time ago if they didn’t care, so why I try so hard to
please is beyond me. I think that I am scared to death
that if I don’t give a hundred and ten percent every
minute of every day, then I am going to lose the things
that matter most in my life. I want so badly to be the
one who can just be a bitch for a good reason and be ok
with it, but I cant , and even if I do slip up for it I
apologize profusely because I am scared that my one moment
of being a human will make me unappealing to my
surrounding group of loved ones and they will all leave
me. ITS SO SAD I KNOW!!! But that’s me I guess, I am
working on it, being with “J” improved me a lot and
corrupted me a lot. He was good for me because I felt like
I could love him and it was ok, I felt safe to care about
him because I knew that it was reciprocated, something I
haven’t had in a very long time, however at the same time,
though I loved to love him (and still do) and cant stand
the thought of a moment without him (though I am being
forced to), it scared the hell out of me to feel that way
because he was leaving and who the hell knows what
happens after that, well now I know, but then I just hoped
and wished for the best. He may meet someone he may lose
interest, he may just decide he isn’t interested in a
relationship he may decide that I am too much work or that
I am too clingy or that I am just a spaz or that he is
gay….who the hell knows…all I know is there are so many
possibilities….and I know it is stupid, the same thing can
happen in any relationship, but with this one its
different, the long distance makes a lot harder than
anything else, some can work it out and others just have
to move on, however I have yet to decide if that is fate
or geography. If things don’t work out with me and “J” is
that because he is in Virginia or because we weren’t meant
to be, or maybe even both? Or maybe because we don’t care
enough or he doesn’t or I don’t or, aaaaaahhhhhhh, who
knows, I think I worry way too much…the more I see this
actually typed up on the screen the more I realize what a
basket case I am and how much time and energy I waste
worrying about the simple things. Its just hard sometimes
to see what people appreciate. I always thought people
cared for me because of my love for the finite details
that I take notice of, but who knows, it might have
nothing to do with that, and most people probably don’t
even notice it anyways, so why not lighten up , worry
about what I can work with and what I can make better, and
the rest of it is someone else’s job, granted I have
always had a problem with that concept because I believe
no one else can do something as well as I could have or
make me secure enough with the outcome as if I had done
it, which is conceited yes but is the truth. I think that
I need to let go of a little control and have a little
chaos, have a little unplanned fun and just enjoy what I
can get…..when you are definite that you can make
something work, better yet when you can positively see
something and know that the outcome will be in your favor,
give it your full attention, but until then don’t worry
about uncertainty because it just gives you a lot of pain
and unneeded suffering that just keeps you from the
original goal in the first place!