lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2002-08-19 17:34:35 (UTC)

Am I that bug in the rug?

11:27am Monday morning
sountrack: Cold Krush Cuts, Ninja Tunes(trip-hop)

I can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep since 9:00am
and been having these weird fifteen minute dreams that are
driving me out of my mind. Most of the time I can't even
tell if I'm actually dreaming. My thoughts seem to be on
this circus spindle that keeps spinning and focuses on one
part of my life to another.

Music, spin..., mother, spin..., anxiety, spin...,
friends, spin..., dreams, spin..., music, spin..., money,
spin...

I really hate not being able to sleep. It's like
trying to draw with water. As soon as you get something
finished that even slightly resembles what you are trying
to create. It evaporates faster than you rendered your
thoughts visable. Im spining in a wirlwind of abstract
confusion.

I don't really know what I'm worried about because
like I've said before, I'm better solo, but the whole music
thing has been on my mind for the last hour or so. I guess
I just hate to loose a friend and am even more scarred of
facing him in public. I feel bad, but at the same time
feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I just got an email from a dj/promoter and that read,

---
Damn. "Shit is fucked.", so to speak.

Honestly, I'm kinda glad you're going solo. I think,
at times ___ ____ was the weak link. Altough he did
have some hot shit, and was a wicked guy. But, if it's
just you- and with ___. on the cut- hot hot hot! I
like it already.

Don't sweat the apperance thing.

anyways, talk to you l8r ___
---

This somewhat made me happy because at least someone I
don't even know well thinks the same. As for 'the
apperance thing', I really don't know what he's talking
about. I hope he just means that me on stage by myself
would change things, but why would I 'sweat that'.
hmmmmmm, thinking...

I'm just being paranoid(once again). For someone that
I barley know to give me a compliment like that, I must be
doing the right thing. This just means that I have to get
my ass to work and start making new tracks instead of
tossing and turning in my kiddie sized bed.

I don't have a queen or king, its the same bed I slept
in when I was little with the addition of a few new
stains. That sounds bad. Haha. I think the stains are
from people spilling shit on it(but it was probabley me
that spilt shit).

'...have you ever felt like that bug in the rug...that
you are so surrounded with your problems...that you cant
see any pattern though the world in which you live...have
you herd anybody say latley that the world is a total
mess...thats the bugs eye view...seeing only a little of
it...we might think that', Ninja Tune.

I can remember lisening to that song many times,
blasted, drunk, or sober and not really actually getting
the whole meaning.

The bugs eye view.

Pretty ironic that the name of my new album is
called, 'dead bugs'. Life's a trip...

Maybee I'm getting rid of my old way of viewing
things, and talking in the whole picture. For example, not
worring about killing a friendship, and focusing on what I
do best, making music. When Dj_____ said 'the weak link',
I think he was straight on point with what I was thinking.

Back to not being able too sleep, If I had some sort
of drug that would knock me out right now, no dought about
it I'd be poppin pillz. I'm not normally a pill popper,
but I just wanna pass out...

Im excited that Dj._____, is excited and hopfully this
album will turn out better than than planned. Right now,
the songs I have done, are amazing, and I rarely say that
about my own shit. Nothing I've made in the past can even
closley compare to my new shit. It only gets better, but
harder to create...

I wonder if I'll ever run out of energy?

Somedays it feels like I have, and somehow gain just a
little back to finish a painting, or picture before
returning to my original form. I used to have this theroy
that I was never the one actually writting my songs, and
that some other force was. I thought this only because
most days I can't do shit, but others I'm this lunatic on
the mic, and come up with some of the most original
concepts that even blow my mind. Who am I?

Is this me? Is this what I'm about? Why do I force
myself into this? Would I be happyer doing something
else? What else is there? Where did the years go? Where
am I?

Not physically, but mentaly and spiritually. Am I
just someone who has a problem and feel I have some reason
to exert it on others, or do others have similar problems
and find it easy to relate to mine?

This doesn't seem to be working very well, with trying
to make me more tired, it's just making me feel like
writing more blabs. Bla, Bla, Bla. It is the bla's that
keep me breathing, isn't it.

(music blaring though my speakers, some jazzy trip-hop)

An overtired, insoniac, dancing with words, with the
force of music. Created for unknown purposes...

I toss and turn every page...
(Is that the purpose?)

l8ter
lee
(please excuse the weirdness of this entry, I'm extreemly
over-tired, and need sleep bad)

hmmm, I am a little tired now.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz z z z zz
(or at least I can pretend I am)
(back to dreamland...I fly)




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