angelface119

My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-08-19 01:50:08 (UTC)

Who am I?

ME. Me is something I could define to a tee at one point
in time in my life. It was something that I was sure of
and had all the answers to. I knew what I wanted and how I
wanted it, I knew I was good enough and I could get myself
where I needed to go because I was that good. Don’t get
me wrong, its not really arrogance but a self-assured
attempt at life. I wasn’t cocky just focused, and now at
this point I can honestly say I am a wee bit lost,
confused, tired and dazed, a little disheartened and
disoriented. I thought the plan would work, I thought I
really had the power to make what I wanted to happen, come
true. I WAS WRONG! They weren’t kidding when your
parents said there will be unexpected bumps in the road,
but as a young hopeful girl, I thought that I was strong
enough to handle anything, and at one point I truly felt I
was.
Dealing with my grandmothers death is an issue
that I look back on now as a double edged sword. It was
so hard to watch the woman who molded me into the strong
and independent person that I wanted to be, whither away
and weaken. The person who had instilled in me the power
to hold your head high even if it is unbelievably obvious
you are wrong, the person who encouraged me to fight the
odds, was now losing to them. Though she never lost her
will to live over her year long fight with cancer, her
will just couldn’t overcompensate for what was happening
to her. After refusing to face the inevitable, I came to
terms with her sickness after avoiding her for the first
three months. I just knew that she was too strong to let
such a simple little thing like cancer take her. It
wasn’t an issue I needed to deal with. But finally, as I
saw her for the first time with her bald head and burnt
scalp from radiation treatments, I saw the future.
Months rolled on as she weakened in her own home
and faught for her dignity. And in her last few months
here on earth I saw a change in me that I liked. I was
now having to face, thus far, the most difficult thing for
me in my lifetime. I was saying goodbye to a living loved
one each day as I left her bedside feared that she would
no longer be there, and with these actions, I felt a true
strength come over me. Sitting beside her bed each day,
feeding her, bathing her, trying to keep her coherent and
at the same time, keeping my sanity was a true challenge.
I can remember the smell of the room the clothes she wore
and the layout of the furniture. It was a place I
frequented. Each day I would get up, go to school, drive
to the hospital spend several hours there with her, come
home and cook dinner and clean the house, do my homework,
go to bed at around 1 get up at 5:30am and do it all over
again. It was a grueling process learning to grieve while
I continued my normal life. And then even more tragedy
hit….
My father was in a horrible motorcycle accident
that left him with five broken bones in his right foot and
ankle and three broken bones in his left arm. Difficult
enough as it was, he is also left handed and his right leg
was the good one, so basically he was an invalid for three
months in my care, giving me the privilege of feeding him,
clothing him, helping undress him, helping him shop,
helping him move from place to place, being his driver and
carting him to countless doctors appointments. It was a
pitiful sight that was humorous yet agonizing all at the
same time.
During this time of death and destruction, I
become the wife, the mother, the maid, the driver, the
student, the daughter, the granddaughter, the cook, and
anything else that was left to do, and though it was hard,
this was the first time in my life I can honestly say I
liked being me because being got me through all of those
roles. I never thought I had the strength to hold a
family together but then I miraculously found the strength
to trudge forward and make the best of a bad situation.
This is a time that was most difficult for me, but at the
same time most rewarding. I found a person that I had
always wanted to be. I could handle it all and only gave
into the pain and suffering when it was over.
What happened to that person? I feel that reality
has taken a big bite out of what I used to be. The bumps
in the road have given me a whole new perspective. And I
hate it from down here. I have sunk to a new low, where
confidence is all but nonexistent. I have encountered
school and an ugly fact that is better known as “that
guy.” The combination of the two has left me absolutely
unable to keep the pieces together. I feel like every
time I have mastered one, I drop another, I keep trying to
juggle but all I see are balls flying in every direction
and me without a clue as to what to do with them. (and in
no way is that meant to be sexual) I know the purpose of
each of them and separately I can manage but as a whole
they scare the hell out of me. YES I HAVE HEARD I PANIC A
WEE BIT. But what in the hell caused that? I was in the
first situation in years that made me horribly happy and I
couldnt for the life of me just let it be that. I
honestly tried to make something wrong. Why? Why would I
try to sabotage something what seemed to be the best thing
to happen to me thus far in life? Was I just that scared
or is there more? I wanted desperately to have the
confidence to say this man in my life wants me without a
doubt and just leave it at that. I want to have faith that
I can make something happen like I used to. I want to be
the girl who is strong enough to hold the pieces together
again. That girl I respected!
This new girl makes me sad. I want to be that
girl that is self assured, but for some reason without me
knowing it horribly negative expressions of what I feel to
happen in the future come flying out of my mouth and I end
up hurting the ones I care. I know the cause but I have
no idea what the cure is. I cant erase “that guy” from my
mind, but if I could I would do it in a heartbeat if it
meant I could be the girl I was before, for the man I want
right now. “J” is something that I truly want to be
better for, the funny thing is, he sees nothing wrong with
me (as far as I know). He thinks I am good the way I am
but I don’t so I second guess how he feels. I anticipate
the same negative comments I got from “that guy” from him,
which is horribly unfair but also a horrible truth. I
know they are unbelievably different I see that clearly.
I see that at his worst, “J” is one hundred times better
than “that guy” could ever aspire to be but at the same
time I still feel that I am the sad little person “that
guy” made me out to be. I didn’t dress right, my hair
wasn’t the way it should be, I was too young acting, I had
a whorish past and lied about my present and showed too
much of my body off to the world to be as innocent as I
came off. Well, wouldn’t that be a blow to your ego too
if all that someone that you loved believed about you was
a lie? "J" never made me feel like that, in fact he made
me feel like i was an amazing person, and he made me proud
to be me, and now that he has moved away, i cant seem to
find that confidence again.
The point is I can see how all of "that guys"
assumptions of me are wrong, but at the same time I cant
help but feel that I still have to fear what I have been
fearing for eleven months. HUGE FEAR OF ABUNDONMENT!!!
ABSENCE OF COMMITMENT AND DOUBTING OF SELF WORTH DUE TO
OTHERS REFUSAL TO ACCEPT THEIR OWN FLAWS AND A HUGE URGE
TO PLEASE OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF!!! I know my problems, that
is no question, but what to do about my flaws is the whole
issue. When do I get to feel comfortable again? When do I
get to feel in control again?
“J” was amazing and tried to counteract my
destructive ways, but I didn’t want to put that off on
him, it wasn’t his responsibility and I can imagine it got
old, having to constantly reassure me. I didn’t want to
be that for him. I should’ve been confident enough to
know he cares for me or else he wouldn’t have stayed
around as long as he did. Ok ok ok that’s it…I love him
and I know he cares for me deeply, why should I doubt
myself, today is the start of a new attitude, I am a good
person as is and I think that “J” liked what he had found,
and damn it he should! We were good together I made him
laugh and vice versa, he understood me and he let me
understand him, he wanted to keep me around as long as
possible before he moved though it proved to be the most
difficult thing I have attempted to do but so be it, we
made a run and go of it and if it takes half a lifetime to
get to the right place for us to work, damn it we are
worth it and so am I. I owe it to myself to put all I
have into this man because he deserves nothing but the
best, and if life ever evens out and brings us back
together that’s what I am going to give him, THE BEST!



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