back to the beginning
2001-07-14 03:41:27 (UTC)

Here we go....

Wow! This is pretty cool! Now the whole world will be
involved in my turmoil called life. Where do I start?
Since I have no trust in absolutely no one, all of this has
built up over time. The only person I could ever tell
everything to is my best friend Renee, now we live over
3000 miles away from each other and it's just not the
same. It makes me sad to know that there is no one in the
world that I can just talk to and say anything. Well, I
guess now instead of telling just one person, I can tell
everyone! Hmmm, think of that! I am so weird. Who
I am getting married in 99 days. I love my fiance with all
my heart! I have never felt this way ever. The one time I
thought it was true love, let the asshole tattoo his name
on my body and put up with the shit for 3 years before I
woke up. Now 3 years is a short amount of time. My fi and
I have been together over 3 years and it feels like 3
months. The time flies. I'm scared though, not that I
might be making a mistake but that he will one day tire of
me and leave or look for something more interesting in
other places. We never have sex, but for stupid reasons.
We both work until 10 pm so it's late when we get home. I
refuse to take birth control pills because they turn me
into an evil bitch and make me gain weight but then again I
don't want to end up pregnant 3 months before we spend $15k
on a stupid wedding! I hope it's better after we get
married. Isn't that what everyone says?
I need to get a life...I don't have friends, well not
friends that I would call up on the phone or hang out
with. For some reason I can't let it get that far and it
pisses me off. What the hell is wrong with me? I think I
have social anxiety. I hate talking to people, I hate
being alone with people I don't know. I never have
anything to say...not one word. Oh yeah, maybe I could get
a Hi out. I did see a shrink before, but that was before I
ever heard of social anxiety and she didn't have a clue.
she just listened. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to
her, most of the stuff I lied about. I could go on forever
but this is starting to turn into a book and there is
always tomorrow. late!