*ReNa*

The SINS that I commit..
2002-08-18 22:56:08 (UTC)

My So far messed up Life...shortened.

okay where the fuck do I begin? Well.. I guess no place is
better then the beginning. So.. here we go...
I was raped at 6yrs of age from a teenage boy next door when I
lived in Kansas. I offically lost my viginity at age 12 to a 23yr.
old man, who was my mom's friends, boyfriend. I had sex in the
girlfriends home, next door to her bedroom while she was sleeping,
she didn't suspect a thing. It went off and on for about a couple
months. I was raped again when I was 13yr. by my mom's friends other
boyfriend. 'Til this day she still doesn't know about him. I know
sounds like I was a ho huh? No, actually it was all a cry for
attention, a way out of my fucked up household and for me to
feel 'taken care of'. My father is a drug addicted and has been since
I was 9yrs of age living in Texas. I've seen him beat my mother when
I was a kid, and because of this my mother and I was placed in a
women's shelter for half a year, then stupidly she went back to him.
Same thing happened, my father kidnapped me for a bit. We went back
to the women's shelter for another year. She went back to him again..
moved to Chicago. This is where I became depressed and fat. Somehow
he managed to find druggies here too.Eventually we moved back to
Texas at age 11yrs. He continued to use drugs and would leave my mom
and I at the bad side of town at a grocery store while he left us
there and forgot about us for as long as 10 hours. One time he never
showed, we had to spend $60 on a taxi home. He denies everything he's
done and continue's to think I am a stupid little girl who knows or
seen nothing.
At age 13 my Father forced his dick in my face one day as I came
home from Mcdonalds and brought him back french fries. He was coked
up and drunk. He repeatedly kept telling me it was time for me to
become a 'buddist women' and know my place. I was scared shitless and
didn't know what to do, but say no and try to fight. He had me by my
arm,while my mom was in the Kitchen. She came out, yelled at him and
he 'realized' what he was doing and let go. He claimed he thought i
was my mother, and it was a 'sexual game' they play, yet he said MY
NAME. I later had him thrown in jail for it, but my grandmother (his
mom) paid 20 grand for his bail. He was on probation for 2 yrs and
wasn't allowed to be by any children without certified supervision
for 4 years. I am stupid for saying this, but I have put this in the
past, and I still love and care for my father, dispite what he's done
to me and how many times he's told me I'm too fat. I will one day be
able to face him and tell him my real feelings and I'm not as stupid
as he thought I was.
My mother never was able to stick up for herself, was always
walked on and she didn't know anymore then that. She was married to
my father since she was 16, the little asian girl who didn't know
anything, well now she is a US Citizen and proudly divorced to my
father recently since sept of 2000.My mother started seeing the guy
who took my virginity away, was fucking him and they moved in to
eachother, this pissed me off. She later found out about me and him
and didn't care. She continued to date him and sleep with him anyway.
Now July 2002, they are split up because he beat her and they always
fought. Thank god this happened and he's gone.
My mother use to beat me, I remember 3 attempts when i was 9 whenshe
tried to drown me in the bath tub. What could I do.. i was 9. I was
hit with a broom and kicked and punched. No one ever suspected thing.
I knew after all the times I saw my mom get hit and the stories she
used to tell me about her mother hitting her too, that i wasn't going
to grow up to be like that, so when i was 12.. and grew enough balls
to do so, I fought back. No matter what anyone says about respecting
your parents and that you should never hit them, I don't care. You
can only be hit on so many times before you retalliate. I hit her
back, I dug my nails into her and drew blood. When i started fighting
back, she began to realize I was stronger then her. She stopped. What
child would stay with thier parents' after this? I did.. why? Because
that's all I had. When we lived in Chicago, my parents thought it was
funny to joke to me that I was adopted and I truly wasn't theres. I
was sad by this joke and cried and asked why they would try to tease
me about this. i didn't find out til the next day from my aunt who
asked" did they tell you last night? did they finally tell you you
are adopted?" It was devastating. I asked from who.. my mother told
me it was her sister who i thought was my 'aunt'.
In 1995, I was in 6th grade and made lots of friends, I was
the 'popular' one, the girl all the guys wanted. I made a guy best
friend who I am still friends with this day. This is when I started
the Internet. Meeting guys staying up til 5am in the morning talking
to them. I've met a lot of people online. In 1997 i met a guy from
Canada, he was 20, i was 14. I told him I was 15. My mom bought me a
plane ticket to go and see him for 2 weeks. She did everything to
make me happy at this age, no matter what. She was the
only 'parental' person i had then.Because my father wasn't allowed to
be with me, he moved back with his mom to take care of her. I flew to
canada, luckily to meet a wonderful guy who wasn't a psycho. But
unfortunately, I screwed it up being possesive and did anything the
he wanted to makehim happy, I didnt have a mind of my own. When I
suspected he was cheating I went crazy, he ended it with me. I think
my life really fucked up my security about myself and how much I
always want someone male to love me (this is from that no father
figure life).
Two months later, I met another man, 20yrs old, still 14 I was.
This time he lived closer to me, 10 minutes away. We talked and met
the very same night. My mother always worked until 12am, so I
basically did whatever I wanted to u ntil then. We went out hit it
off and were inseperatable for so long, until I found out he was
cheating on me.. I let it pass because I didn't want to lose this
new 'key' my way out. He claimed he loved me and I took him back, yet
to find out he continued to cheat on me with the same girl. He told
me he wanted this girl for so long, longer then he's been with me and
left me to be with her. That only lasted a week and he came running
back, saying how much he loved me and how much I took care of him and
that he was stupid etc.. so yeah being the weakling I am I took him
back.I met his parents lied to them and told them I was 17 almost 18.
They later found out my real age and forbid him to keep seeing me or
else they'd throw him in jail, he said he stopped but he still
continued to see me. I later found out in 1998 that i was pregnant.
Now 15 and Pregnant. I had already skipped so many days of school to
be with him, that i didn't care about my acedemics, believe it or not
I use to be a good student. Until I met him. After finding out I was
pregnant, I was kicked out of my school, and placed in a school
for 'bad of undisciplined' children. Full of pregnant girls and guys
who were expelled from their old school. I didn't stay there that
long but for 1 semester. I married in June of 1999 that summer to my
husband now, the same guy.Two weeks after the birth of my baby in
July of 1999,he went to his parents and dropped the bomb on them, for
the past 10 months he's been seeing me behind their backs and now was
married with a son. That wasn't all, he had joined the air force and
was due to move in two more weeks. I met back up with them and they
finally learned to except me, though I know they still resent me and
think I 'trapped' their son.Two weeks later, I moved with my now
husband, and my child away from what I knew, my friends, My family,
My education, to North Carolina. I vowed when I married that i would
not be a statistic in marriage. The whole "marrying young, gets
divorced" and I wouldn't let my parents see how right they were. I
loved him after all or I thought I did. I felt forced into marriage
and that I had no other choice if I wanted my son to have a father.So
I moved, I became so depressed and home sick, that my mental state
wasnt right. I felt torn away from everything, and i was. I was
fighting with my husband everyday, about everything. I was stuck in
the house 24/7 being a house wife. I didn't know anyone or had
anyfriends, besides my "ONLINE FRIENDS". They were all I had
when
it
came to a social life. Later I found out husband cheated on me again
and made plans to meet another women. Why didn't I leave? Because you
know me, I'm a sucker for 'love'. I wasn't going to let anyone see
they were right.. and I wasn't going to raise a baby on my own. With
him my baby had everything he needed. I forgave him. But don't worry,
i started working I hated it.. met lots of people and got real close
to a co-worker of mine. He was married too with troubles, so he
understood. We had our 'fling' though I never fucked him, never
really wanted to. I always had a guilty conscience. Well I soon quit
my job and went back to my boring life as a house wife. I started
wanting another baby, and I knew my husband really didn't want one
though he says he did, I knew the truth. 6 months later, i was
pregnant with now our 2nd baby. A few months later, he got orders and
told we were to move to LONDON, ENGLAND. It's not enough that i was
1500 miles away from home, now I had to be 15,000 miles away from
home. We moved that Winter to England where I am now. I hated it
here, talk about definitely not knowing anyone, or their culture.
people in my area didn't like americans, and life just sucked. I
missed my mother ( we had gotten close since i was pregnant) and my
friends. (Even though she left me at 15 pregnant home alone all night
until day so she could get drunk, since hubby was at boot camp.)We
eventually moved on base, and I started meeting new friends. My age
with kids and such. It was nice, but I still hated being here because
they were always busy. I later started going to the hospital
regularly, and after I gave birth to my daughter in Jan. of 2001, I
went back in and was told I had a Skin type Cancer called LUPUS. I
was going to a psychologist for my depressions, and she told me. I
was shocked and could think of nothing but oh god I'm going to die. i
was put on so many anti-depressants, but nothing helped, so i stopped
them. My marriage continued to be rocky and we did nothing but yell
at eachother 3-4 times a day about anything, we still do. I started
chatting and met a guy that I saw everything I was missing in my
marriage, he made me feel special, and that I was cared for. He
wanted to marry me and take care of my children. But I couldn't leave
hubby. Hubby soon found out about what I was doing and we almost got
a divorce. I made him realize how bad our marriage was and he vowed
he'd be better or else I was free to leave. Well two weeks later.. i
found out he met some chick and was saying he loved her and wanting
to fuck her, my heart broke.. I went psycho. Threw shit around hit
him.. it hurt me. He said he did it out of revenge, but what got to
me was the fact that he swore he'd never do anyhthing like this
again, but he did it anyway, just 2 weeks after. Stupidly i forgave
him and I decided that what I did and what he did "X"ed out
eachother. But i have my suitcases packed if something like this were
to ever happen again.
Later this year, I just found out I have a Chronic Pain
Illness called "Fibromyalgia", which for those who don't know
just
means I'm in pain for the rest of my life because there is no cure. I
was always called a 'hypochondriac' or I 'always looked fine' mostly
by my husband. This hurt me... I knew i was in physcial pain .. but
nothing was showing up in my body. They decided I didn't have Lupus
after all and had this thing. For the past year I have been in and
out of the hospital giving blood and taking tests.. I feel like a
Guinea Pig. It's very stressful on me, but my husband just can't seem
to understand. He's in denile and because he can't 'see' that i'm in
pain, he thinks i'm obviously not, that I'm faking it or making
excuses so I don't do anything around the house. And I thought labor
of 54hrs with my 2nd baby was bad. That was misrable but this is
worse! I only get 3-5hrs of sleep a day, so the doc. gave me sleeping
pills and pain med. That's all they say they can do for me for now
until something else comes up. THIS SUCKS!When the doctors needed my
medical family history I called and asked my mom. This is where she
told me she has been lying all this time. Her sister really wasn't my
real mother.. she said I was bought for $10,000 from a couple with 6
other kids who just couldn't afford to have me back in Thailand.If I
would've stayed with them, I would of died by the time I was 20.
Because of this, I do not know my real parents or brothers or sisters
and I don't know anything about my genes. This is very difficult when
it comes to medical charts. All I know is that I'm full Thai, and my
family always had skin/body problems.
I've thought many times about leaving or even commiting
suicide. But I think about my kids and come to mind. I am ashamed of
how I am, what I look like and what I have became to be. How i was
raised. My self-esteem is empty though on the outside i hide it well.
I always put others' infront of me, I feel and never get enough
credit back. They say that if you do good things you will be rewarded
later,well I feel i haven't. I am very confused now wether I should
stay or leave. There are alot of factors to measure out. There is
someone I love back home who I think loves me but I don't know in
what way.. do I stay and be with my unhappy marriage and hope that it
turns better, that my husband shows me affection,sexual intimacy more
and notices my pain, or do i leave to see if a certain person loves
me and risk a friendship? What about my kids? what about me.. no
education, no job, no place to stay or home.. all I can do now is sit
where I am financially secure and my kids have what they need, and
continue to be unhappy.
I found out later, that my Grandmother who has been missing for
4yrs, her body was found. She was in her 80's and she was raped and
murdered, left in a abandoned building in Thailand. This devestated
my mother. Later this year,my mom's father past away from kidney
cancer. In the past 2 years, I've lost a total of 7 people, friends
and family members to death. I keep wondering who's next.
Until then.. I have recently decided to do something about my
self-esteem. I am going to the gym everyday and determined to lose
weight and feel great. SHOW everyone who i am and what they are
missing. Then and maybe then, will I have enough courage to fix my
life. I've left out so many big events in my life that are bad.. but
I figured I made this long enough and you get the gist of things. Now
that we are up to date with now.. You will understand each posting
here on after.

Luv
Me


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