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2001-07-13 23:29:00 (UTC)

No One Will Read This

On Wednesday night I didn't sleep of course, but then I
didn't sleep during the following day either. I wanted to
become like a normal person again, who sleeps at night time
and stuff. So I went down town again to keep myself awake.
It's not like I'm going to fall asleep on a bench in the
park (although the thought did cross my mind). I got coffee
at the place built across the street from Starbucks and sat on the
floor of the entrance to my mom's office gets to a
point where I just don't care anymore. I used to do that
sort of thing all the time last summer and people tried to
give me money because they thought I was a homeless run-
away chick, but I didn't take it. Through the glass doors,
I could look out on to the street and spy on people. I saw
this old guy completely checking out some poor woman when
she didn't know. I guess that happens to everyone. Then I
wandered around clothing shops at the mall all morning by
myself. No will give me money later today
though. I tried to get a job in the beginning of summer
(filled out 5 applications), but no one called because I'm
only 15. Later, I got a hair cut...about an inch off, now
it's a few inches above my shoulders. It looks really weird
and floppy. I looked horrible yesterday! That's what no
sleep will do to people. So I tried to fix it with make-up,
way too much dark gray eye liner actually. That didn't
help...the "Heroin Chic" look is so not what I'm going for. I
finally got to go home and sleep. Maybe I can do something
with my hair to make it look dye it a new color
(what the hell was I thinking with this unatural, uneven
dark brown?). Dark burgundy. Then everything will be all
right. I'll have confidence and have a dude. I'm pretty weird
about guys. I wouldn't go out with anyone unless I really,
really liked them, but at the same time, I'm sooo shy around
the few who I could really like. It doesn't work well. And
the only guys who have liked me are freaks. My 12 year old
neighbor!!! AAAH. It's depressing. If I wasn't so
sulky and was more friendly (like you, Shelly!), I would prolly have
a boyfriend. Then again, being withdrawn and stuff is what makes
me different from other people. And even though it's not in a good
way, I like being different.

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