i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-08-17 22:22:03 (UTC)

Holdover from Live Journal.

I feel like I should be trying to write something funny and
quirky.

My mind is just not in it right now.

What I really really would like to do is hook
up with some random guy. Ever felt like that before? Like
you just want to go out and do something crazy --- like
have sex without worrying about the consequences or
comittment. Just an insane, spontaneous, one-night stand.

Oh god. I have done so many things this past week. Two
parties. Sedona. Alcohol and Weed. Lots of weed. I
smoked more weed this past week than I thought I'd ever
smoke in my life. First there was Danny's party. And then
there was at Anthony's the other night, where I got to take
hits off of the bong. A new experience. How exciting.

Holy cow, do I feel fat and ugly. Seriously. Fat. Ugly.
That's me. No one hit on me at Hillary's party. Everyone
there hit on Elizabeth. I wanted to cry. And she has a
boyfriend. Avery. I wish I was her sometimes. It's not
jelousy ---- I just wish I was her instead of me. I'm not
malicious. Just sad and lonely. I want a boyfriend. I
want to be a part of that club that I feel like I'm not a
part of -- the "boyfriend" club, where everyone has a
boyfriend or at least has had a serious boyfriend. But
no. No. I don't get that.

Oh well. AT the same time, I don't really want that.
Don't want to be tied down in some relatively pointless and
suffocating relationship. I just want to hook up with some
guys. Specifically, really sexy hot good looking guys.
Like, for example, Danny. Very hot. Very much so.
Gorgeous guy. I kinda wish I didn't have the feeling that
I fucked things up massively over winter break when I
hooked up with him that time. I was drunk like crazy. But
whatever. He's hot. I would so date him in a second. You
wanna know the honest truth? If it was between him and
Avery, I would choose him in a second. Honestly. Kinda
crazy. But whatever. And in all honesty, I did. Over
Christmas break. Oh boy. And when Laura said that he
specifically invited me ME!!! to his kickback,
you have no idea how special/loved/beautiful/happy it made
me feel. My low self esteem just sucked that right up, and
I felt loved. Too bad nothing happened this time. He's so
hot. And...god, I don't know. I've never really had this
kind of reaction to someone I don't know. Very good
looking. Very.

And then there's Anthony's hot brother, Mike. He's good
looking too. But I don't think I'd ever date him. Not in
a million years. Just make out with him for a night.
That's all I really want right now --- someone to make out
with me. WAh.

And then there was Hillary's party, where I hung out with
Anthony the entire time. Literally. The whole time. And
it was fun, strangely enough. We kind of...bonded, I
guess. Kind of. We had a lot in common, surprisingly.
Like used bookstores (thrifty joes) and we're both reading
Naked Lunch right now. And he read On the Road --- that I
was trying to find and read for the longest freaking time.
It's strange. I like the kid. He's good people. He's
money. I dont know. He's really definitely sexy --- but I
don't think he's attracted to me at all. So whatever. It
could be cool, but I don't really think so. I'd like to
become really good friends with him though. Definitely a
fun and interesting person.

WEll, that's it for now. I think I'll make this entry
private, because first of all, it is such a load of shit.
And second of all, the grammer sucks and everything about
it sucks and it is a pathetic topic. Wooo wooo. Go me, I
am pathetic.

"Heroin is so passe"