i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-08-17 22:17:33 (UTC)

Just do it.

So I saw the movie Signs tonight with Kayla. It was
definitely a good movie, very well done, blah blah blah.
You know the drill.

Now for the big question: Did I like it?

Not particularly.

When you get right down to it, the movie was all about
faith. Specifically, faith that an unknown higher power is
looking out for us. That's right, you guessed it, the
movie was about faith in god. The message it delivered was
the typical one --- faith is good, god is out there. The
movie itself wasn't bad, i just didn't particularly agree
with the message. I'm not an atheist for superficial
reasons, believe me. In all honesty, I've always wanted to
believe in god. When I was a few years younger, I used to
try to pray, or have one of those "coversations with jesus"
before I went to bed every night. I must have watched too
much family programming at the time or something. There
were all these billions of people out there who believed ---
people who swore that prayer helped, that jesus loved
them. People who walked right out of that
fucking "Footprints" poem. They had to be right. And then
there were the people who were "saved." Previously drug
addicts, pregnant crack-whores living on the streets, and
all around miserable, depressed people were now happy,
smiling, and praising god from every pore in their body.
It had to work. So I tried it. For an extended period of
time. I never felt any better about myself. I never felt
as if anyone cared --- like they all promised I would. No
one ever answered. Jesus never became my best friend. But
I still wanted to believe. It always seemed so much
easier. Just give in, believe. Don't think, don't
question all the fallacies. Just "have faith."

I have come to the conclusion that I am incapable of blind
faith.

At the end of the movie, I was left feeling
very....lonely. Like the way you'd feel when you're out
with a bunch of people who've all known each other since
kindgergarted, and you've only just met one of them an hour
ago. I wanted to feel relived that he realized everything
happened for a reason. I wanted to be satisfied,
vindicated, that he'd found his faith in god again.
Instead...I was lonely.

I wish the movie hadn't ended the way it did --- just
rolled over and accpeted the idea that our lives are
nothing more than pre-written episodes controlled by an
omnipotent god, rather than debating the idea. What if
what happens is completely out of our control? But
instead, theory was stated as if it was fact, and that
bothered me more than anything.