asidatia

My Life's Thoughts
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2002-08-17 02:26:35 (UTC)

today is august 16 eight days since my last entery

I hear the words that are being said....but
nothing of there meaning. It's almost a lost cause here for
me. the numbness is deafening......i can't feel
anything.....it's numb from the head down. Just gaining
weight having sex and eating,i started a new diet and
hoping that i will gradually lose the weight i need to. i
can't seem to get what i need to out of life. I need to
walk down the street without being ashamed of the fact that
i'm fat and my jeans are to tight. without eating i can't
not without something to obbesse over. I need to get out of
this disaterase state.....if i continue i know it will be
the death of me.
there is nothing left for me here.....i'm
screaming and nobody cares I am dying and i got a boyfreind
who just says (keep it up)his mindless thought to my
current situation..is a progressing pain that kills me
slowley even more every day,he promised to love me.....and
his attitude is the reminence of our once happy union. How
do i continue the sharade of being the happiest woman on
earth when i'm not. I can't keep my role together,the
person i'm playing is not me or it once was,or maybe it is
me when i'm happy.....i'm not sure it's been awhile since i
was happy. I can hardly remember how i was then,how i felt
when i thought my heart was going to explode. Now if my
heart explodes it will be due to over eating and holding
back emotions that i should feel....numb that is what i
feel numb.....so numb that physical pain is somthing i can
hardley feel. i just want to feel good just to feel would
be nice.....feeling anything except the numbness i feel
right now.
I heard from an old freind last week and he
offered for me to go and visit him,but i think i need to do
something......to go to my mom's instead would be better it
would help me out more than it would'nt........if i can
convince jeff that i'm comming back......


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