Abstract Soul
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2002-08-17 01:30:57 (UTC)

the lie I never told

Terrifying these words they tumble effortlessly
down the resistant lips of which held a secret so long.

I cannot believe that I know this now.
I cannot believe that I knew for so long.

I always was on a quest...a search for "me".

Today, I revealed to myself that I knew who I am....I
know.....and all this time that I thought that I was in
search of search of me...
I was, in fact, in search of someone better than me.

I was angry at myself and was in pure disgust with the
image I was looking at in the mirror. I could not help but
wonder why anyone in their right mind would ever want me,
why would they even attempt to get to know me? I am
something that you don't usually want in someone..but
because nowadays people only look outward and refuse to see
the inner beauty....they never really know what they have.

When I was thinking this to myself, my other half came into
play and tried to console me...."Because you are a good
person, you are feeling and loving, and you
genuinely care about the welfare of others...even if it
isn't so obviously is true."

But as my other self reacted to this and was about to
unleash a mouthful of honesty in a horror display of
fury...the scared and helpless side silenced this angry
voice and spoke truth in the most blunt and feared
tone....that it was a shock. This, that had been guarded
and avoided for....well forever...was finally confident to
speak. She said, " But you know who you know you."

This was true. I knew that I was not the "good" person I
had always hoped I was....I am dellusional and have
brainwashed myself into thinking that I am this righteous
and amazing person...when in fact I am further from that
the most.

I really do know who I am. I retained this knowledge for
quite some time and when I had set out in search of the
real me...I was actually in search of fulfilling
that "wonderful" person that I had hoped to be. I thought
that if I found her and became her, I would be true to
myself when I praised myself for being a good person.

That's why I was so unhappy...why I am.

I have finally come face to face with the lie I never
really told.