2001-07-13 05:48:31 (UTC)

My Profession

Dear Diary-
it is so hard to say what i want to do when i am older
there is so much. i am interested in acting, animals,
environment, architecture, fashion design and weather. i
am, well young, but not that young, so i am not too sure
what i want to do. its confusing. my dad is pretty much
making me go out for the golf team and that sucks. i mean
i like golf but its just long and i want to do other things
and i dont want to miss classes. i mean i know since my
grades arent the best that i could get a scholarship and
that is really the only thing that is making me go for it
right now other than that i have golfed 2 this summer and
its like wow, we expect you to do good. you could be on
varsity this year, well, you dont seem to be intersted in
helping my game by taking me out to play. it gets so old i
hate it. i hate my life. my brothers are ass holes i have 2
and they act more immature than they did when they were
younger. they are 22 and 20. i cant stand them i was best
friends with one of them until he got a girlfriend and
pretty much blew me off. ass hole. i dont know. my whole
life sucks right now. my best friend is a bitch who is
selfish adn has found some new friends who want to spend
time with me more than her and so she doesnt invite me to
do anything with them they do. and then there is ashley
who hangs out with sluts who fuck every guy. and drink and
smoke pot. i mean yeah drinking and smoking pot arent that
bad but i just dont want to do it every night, like a party
every once in a while is fine. but come on. geez, i dont
feel like getting into all that again like i did at the
beginning of school last year. which was hell with the
family. grades adn my friends werent helping me out at
all. anyways, then there is brienne who sits and eats and
that really isnt what i want to do i am already getting
sick of that. shit, my whole life is going down the
drain. i had a nervous breakdown the other night b/c my
brothers were killing me by being annoying and hitting me
and other stuff all they do is cut me down and i couldnt
take it anymore i went and locked myself in my room adn
went in my closet adn broke down crying. i couldnt stop i
didnt know why i was crying, i never cry truly i never do.
i have cried like 2 this year. so i dont know, life is
hell. friends and family suck and thats all i got other
than my shitty job at dog patch of scrubbing shitty kennels
with dogs in them and sweeping and getting people fish adn
cleaning out dead ones. it is sucha downer. nothing good
has come out of anything. the only safety i have is my
room and my movies. thats it. how sad. my life is a bore
and i want some excitement. i have NONE. so far for my
future its to get out of this town and move to california,
san diego. god, i hear its beatiful there. anything is
better than here. college-my career whatever that might be-
husband if i am lucky-living in a house by the beach my
dream house-kids maybe-dying thats my life for now, it
probably will change but you never know. lets see, oh yes
guys. well, i cant seem to find a guy that is interested
in the same stuff i am, which sucks, cars, humor, movies,
music, i dont know, he has to be somewhat like me otherwise
the complete opposite, you know opposites attract, so what
the hell. anyways, i dont know, whoever attracts my fancy
i will be happy. i really feel like i should be british
saying fancy right now. but too bad i am not. at least i
would be different than who i am today. i have found a guy,
but the problem is i dont like him, i cant belive i dont
like him, hes nice likes everything i do. i dont know whats
wrong with me. write some more later.