Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
2002-08-16 21:54:37 (UTC)

Hmmmmmm

Wow it seems to me as if i havent written in this in
forever... or at least quite a very long time... lol... i
hope im not changing too much or
pretending too much about things that i really shouldnt be
meddling with
i hope im not too shallow
too this too that
although who am i to say whats "too shallow" or not
yet without standards, where would we be?
without moral and ethical standards without political
standards how would we exist..... hmmm
im going off again
wow its amazing how i used to come to this with everything
and now im off of it and less of what i used to be
or it feels like that...
am i getting too caught up in aspects of life that dont
even really matter?
hmmmm i think im going to go back to writing in this... i
kept a handwritten journal there for a while but my
handwriting is illegible haha
and damnit im still asking myself the same questions that
ive always been asking and wondering if theyre ever going
to be answered
parents make me get confirmed this year...
nikki was right
my religion is choosing me
is there something wrong with that? how faithful am i to
it
i say my religion is choosing me and make it sound so
horrible yet is it really bad
?
and would any of us catholics be able to live such lives
as we live now without a god?
without our god where are we
without some hope some chance of something more than this
life and some of us call our lives torture
mine isnt
im "lucky""
luck:
1 a : a force that brings good fortune or adversity b :
the events or circumstances that operate for or against an
individual
2 : favoring chance; also : SUCCESS
hmmmmmmm is this luck a result of god
what did i do to deserve it
oh wait
another word
grace

1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their
regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from
God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine
grace
ah, so its unmerited
was i given my life through gods grace?
does this mean that i dont deserve to live
grace grace grace
amazing graze
amazing unmerited divine assinstance
ha
the beatitudes
1) Blessed are the poor in spirit. etc...
the reversal of expectations according to mrs kaska as i
believe it but
when we ask to be blessed
"god bless us"
are we asking for blessing on earth
or for conditions on earth to be so that we are blessed in
the kingdom of heaven
aww screw it im rambling again
what does it matter were going to die right?
but death isnt an imminent thing to us
it always seems so far away
or at least to me...so unreal
and scary because i cannot imagine what death is
if i die and theres nothing more then this becomes nothing
my life has become nothing because I dont exist anymore
and soon the world wont exist
how could i live on earth thinking that it is all nothing
there is all no point
but i guess there would always be that hope
find our way of whistling in the dark
i've really been out of thinking for such a long time
i need to talk to nikki, i should be a much better friend
but it is so hard when she goes to a different school and
has a different schedule and now she has aldo, perhaps she
wont need me?
when i met her i needed her
without her i wouldve spiraled down into a depression
surely changing what i am today


hmmm my mind begins to drift to other maters lol
such as laura and max

max says he loves her/is in love with her yet theyve not
known eachother long at all
question: do you have to know someone to love them or be
in love with them
because to me he seems totally infatuated i ask him what
he knows about her
"shes beautiful kind sexy smart and everything i wanted in
a girl"
maybe im too immature to understand them
yet it does seem to remind me of the situation with katie
and pat that nikki and i handled... although i was not as
much involved
how ironically that ended
monday is school and i guess that is a good thing because
the more i learn about things the more i can decide how i
feel about them, the more i can try to angle my actions
towards something better than what im pointed towards now

being a lawyer, doctor, vet etc when im "grown up" will
not be enough
i want to change things
i wonder if that is selfish?
probably
almost everything i do could be argued as selfish but even
i dont know if it is or not
q: do i want to know if it is or not?
nikki is my mirror and i see some of myself through her
but
what happens when i put the puzzle together and see it ALL
will i reciol in horror
remain transfixed gazing at the grotesque picture of
myself
or will i be able to use it as an indicator of things that
i need to change
present past and future are all tied together and will be
involved in the making of myself
as well as the mending

well i must go (ha im speaking like someone is actually
going to read this... funny, eh?)
summer reading is a killer
im such a procrastinator
oh well
love,
~Jennifer~