I'm a girl, not a band!!!
2002-08-16 20:47:57 (UTC)


I've been running around town filling out applications for
jobs. It's 98 degrees and 100% humidity outside. I haven't
been using the air in the car because it takes up too much
gas. I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm frustrated.


I think when I drive. I do some of my best thinking behind
the wheel. I think I'd do superb thinking while driving a
really nice car, like a black Lexus 430 SC. But that is a
story for another time.

Today, my thoughts wandered all over the spectrum. I
talked to my friend Erin last night. She was one of the 3
roommates I had my freshman year of college. She graduated
this fall. Erin is someone I completely admire. Everything
that she has said she'd do, she has done. She wanted to go
to London. She applied, she went. She wanted to graduate
with at least a 3.7 GPA. She did. She wanted to move to NY
and work there. She has. Still looking for a job, but she
just got there 2 days ago.

Now, Erin is a good friend, and I love her, but she's not
extraordinary. No more than I am. But she has the work
ethic that I do not have. She worked her ass off to get
those goals. And she never realized that sometime things
don't work out. She never accepted a no. I was talking to
her last night, and we were catching up, and talking about
mutual friends, and she said something that has been
burned into my mind all day.

"It's a hell of a lot easier to bitch than it is to

I agreed, and we moved on to other topics. But after I
hung up with her, I realized how true that is, and how it
applies to my life.

I bitch about things, but do nothing to change them. And
I'm disappointed. Do I want things to change? Absolutely.
But, for some reason, I won't do anything about that. I
expect things to be handed to me.

Who the hell am I to deserve that?!?

I've written numerous times in this diary about my vow to
change this or that, and how I'm turning over a new leaf
and putting a fresh face on things. But have I actually
done something to even start in the direction of change?

I wish I could say yes. I wish I could be so proud of
myself to say that I have made a centimeter of progress
towards this transformation that I want, but I can't.
Well, I could because I'm a damn good liar, and could
probably convince everyone including myself that I have,
but I have not.

Just to switch gears here for a second, the fact that I'm
a really good liar when I need to be, and when I really
don't want someone to know something is scary. I say that
I'm not quick on my feet when it comes to comebacks and
quick oneliners and points in an argument. But when I feel
that I need to cover my ass, the lies just come tumbling
out of my mouth like a broken gumball machine. The thing
is, that I also know that the only person I'm fucking over
is myself. Yet I still do it. The fact that I know all of
this, and recognize it, still doesn't make me different.

Maybe it's that I don't know how to change. I've always
gotten by with who I am so far. Everyone says "Be
yourself. It's the best way to go." Well, myself isn't the
way that I want to be.

Why is change so hard? Where do I go from here? There are
so many things that I want to, see, learn, and experience.
And the obvious thing to do is to work towards them. But
why aren't I doing that?

I think that I'm pretty good at helping other people
figure out how they are really feeling and what they
really want. In fact, I've been told that I am. Maybe they
said that to make me feel good, I don't know. But the
point is, if I can do that for other people, why can't I
do it for myself?

I have so many questions, but so few answers....