Beyeza's mental musings
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2001-07-13 04:44:03 (UTC)

My Career


Ok, I was looking at some volunteer opportunities and I shy
away from work where I would directly work with the
population of people being served at these social service
centers, but I don't think I'd have a problem doing it if I
was being paid and it was a part of my job. My shyness
comes out and I would prefer to do the administrative stuff
behind the scenes, but I think that ultimately I wouldn't
have any fun. I would be looking from the sidelines
watching other people interact with people and I would feel
isolated again. Ok, so I am not going to cop out, but I
also don't want to commit either. To provide context to
all of this, I was looking in Streetwise's Volunteer
network section to see some available volunteer
opportunities and they just all looked depressing. Dealing
with poverty, hunger, abuse, etc. is something I just run
away from. I don't want to see it, be near it, be around
it, smell it, taste it, or touch it or anything. The
complete opposite of a person trying to go into social work
where they will deal with that stuff all of the time. I
can't relate to that type of world in any way at all. In
fact, if I want to be honest with myself, doing therapy
scares me to death also. Over time, I have become more
outspoken, opinionated, and blunt instead of sympathetic,
empathetic, compassionate, and a good listener. I don't
think I should be a therapist dealing with people's
problems on a regular basis. When dealing with other
people, I get really logical and emotionally detached
clearly seeing where a person is going logically going
wrong, not at all conducive to providing a client with the
compassion and understanding, he or she needs from a
therapist. Or maybe that could be the type of therapy I
would provide. I don't know.

I do know that I like being of service to people, but I
also like to get paid well enough to buy a boat, buy
property, and still not have to struggle. Maybe I am being

I'm not really interested in computers or anything like
that even though I did enjoy the mental challenge of
learning C language, but as soon as it became hard, I
started losing it. I think number crunching would put me
to sleep instantly because when I came close to doing some
number analysis in Florida, I started getting sleepy

I actually didn't mind programming. It was challenging to
be given a problem and then find a way to make it work, but
I have no interest in doing it on my own time. But does my
work need to be done on my own time? Can't work be left at
work? In programming, I would probably be working forever
and my mind is not completely logical and technical like my
co-workers are so I know I won't ever be completely good at
it because I have no inclination or motivation to be good
at it.

Now, working with the domestic shelter may be a little
better because I feel for women who need to leave a bad
situation. I've never been in that situation, but no woman
should be with a man who is beating her. No woman. I need
to do something that I CARE ABOUT. If I don't CARE ABOUT
IT, I won't be motivated to really get into it.

That is all for now.

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