Monday, January 10, 2000
I am tired. I don’t know why, but I am definitely
sleepy. I don’t know why everything I do wears so thin so
fast. I remember when I was younger everything I did
seemed fresh and new and exciting and fun. Now it’s the
same ole shit. I like sitting around and talking to people
and watching TV and just generally having a good time. I
remember when it used to mean just about everything. Now
it’s a pastime at best.
I’m lost. I’ve felt like this for a long time. I
usually only put my thoughts in here when I have them all
fleshed out and stuff. Or spur of the moment kind of thing…
I don’t know. And that’s just the point: I don’t
know and it scares the shit out of me every day. I used to
know everything that was going to happen, anticipate every
word that would come out of everyone’s mouth and marvel
when something went out of plan. Now everything’s out of
plan. There is no plan. I probably shouldn’t be writing
this sort of thing down on the day before I go back to
class, (it’ll get me all depressed and I won’t talk to
anyone) but I think I need to get it out. No, not really,
I just like to make you think I have a bad life when I have
one of the better lives around.
I think my problem is that I am searching for some
sort of meaning when in reality there is none. I think
that’s why I feel so empty sometimes. It’s not because I
don’t have a girlfriend or something, it’s because I know
that there really is no point that I can see. People are
always adopting these life philosophies and shit, but what
they don’t get is that there is no meaning to life, there
is no reason (at least that I can comprehend) why we are
here right now, so a life philosophy will only cause
headaches and heartache.
All I want in life is to be happy.
That’s all I want. I don’t care how or how much
money I will have or who I’m with or where I am; all I want
in life is to be happy. That’s what people just don’t seem
to grasp, and it hurts sometimes so bad to see people
pissing away their lives in search of something that will
probably never make them happy. You can try the opposite
sex, food, TVs, CDs, God, family, just about anything.
None of that will make you happy. It hurts to see my
friends suffer as they do and not realize simple things
like everything they need is right in front of them and if
something happens to come along that will make them happier
for a time, then they should always, always go for it.
I’m getting off on a tangent though.
I love my life. Even as empty and seemingly
meaningless as it is, I enjoy the hell out of myself
everyday. It’s a different kind of enjoyment of what I was
a few years ago. It’s not a “gee-whiz” kinda thing. It’s
more of a restrained beauty.
I don’t know, I’m talking out of my ass.
I know I’ll never find love. I know I’ll never be
happy with whatever job I choose. I know the best time of
my life has already passed me by. These are the things in
my life I am sure of. Yet I am happy. Maybe happy’s not
the right word… more like content. I am content with my
place in life. I have very few friends; I’ll probably
never make any more. I am distant with my family. I have
no future plans. I just don’t know.
I feel like beating the shit out of something. Or
crying. I haven’t done that it quite a while. It’s been
over a year I think.
Why do I go on? I don’t know. I think it’s
because I am sort of addicted to life. I want to feel that
original high again. I know no matter how much I put in my
veins, I’ll never be as happy and thoughtless as I was long
ago, but I keep trying.
Enough of this loathing shit, it’s a new year, a
new semester, nothing holding me back; let’s kick some ass.
New Year’s Resolution: Just go with it. Whatever
occurs, just see what happens. Let’s play this
motherfucker out. I wanna see me some happiness.