Angel

DayDream Believer
2002-08-16 16:52:09 (UTC)

The breakdown

Yes, I guess you can say that I had one yesterday.
I sleept over at Tommy`s place, but he had to go to work,
but I stayed and sleept a little bit longer.
Dunno why, but I always gets so sad when Im there and he`s
not. But this day I was pretty okey.
I had been asking him if he wanted me to cook him dinner
til he got home, but he said no. I thought that was weid,
but Im not one of those who love cooking so it was okey.
So I went to the libary, did some shopping, went for a
walk, read in my book and stuff, and I got excited for him
to come home.
But when he came he had all these things to do, like he was
hungry and had to make dinner ( just a frozen pizza but
stil)it was just small things, like cleaning his hands but
stil I feelt regected.

So I started to feel sad and got angry with my self for
beeing so sensitive. Tommy noticed that something was
wrong, but I didnt wanted to tell him how stupid I was,
that I feelt he didnt love me, that I want my hair to be
healthy and long, that Im sad everytime Im alone at his
place.
Well, Tommy asked me like a million times if I could plese
tell him what was wrong, but I just said that everything
was fine and when he said that he could se that something
was wrong, I just said that I didnt wanted to talk about it.
I gott better, we watched a movie, a fun one and made love
twice, I feelt to sleep, but when he asked me of something
I woke up agen, we talked and he feelt asleep agen, but i
didnt.
I had been sleepinng all morning, and we also feelt saleep
afther dinner so I juess those 30 sec was enugh for me, so
I just layed there.
He didnt have his hands around me or anything, but I really
wished he did, so I touched him like all the time hoping he
would wake up and do it.
But he didnt,I was borred of lying in the beend, sad
because I stil feelt that he didnt love me and for a
thousand other stupid reasons, so I just got up.
I sat in the hall (the only room with a light) and wrote in
my paper diary about how stupid I was and how bad I feelt.
When I was finished I wanted to see if I could see the
stars and the moon (it remind me of Selina) but it was only
clounds in the sky, I put on my clothes and got out.
It was 02.20 a clock on a Thursday night, I must have lost
my mind.
I started to talk to Selina, as I sometimes do when Im
alone, sad and outside, I started to cry (that was one god
thing, for the last weeks I have been having this feeling
where I want to cry but cant) but now I did.
It started to rain, a lot and I got pretty weet, I figured
the noice of all the rain would have woke up Tommy since
teh window was open and that not finding me there next to
him would freak him out.
But when I got inside agen, afher a 30 min long walk, my
hair all weet but I feel SO much better, he was stil asleep.

His plase is like this: he lived in the basement a family
own the house, but now the kids are grown so there`s only
one left living there, a girl. Her partens goes away a lot
so Tommy can play him music as loud as he wants.
When you go inside his door you come into a hall, from
there you can go to the bathroom or the kitchen, from the
kitchen you can go to the livingroom and there is where his
bed is. Its pretty nice there, I would love to have all
that room for my self;-)
Oh weel, I got inside noticed that he was still sleeping,
went up in bed agen, and layed down on his cheast with my
head. He said hi, half asleep, but the he noticed that my
hair was all weet and told me (like I didnt know) and asked
if I had been taking a shower?
I told him that I had been outside, he got corius but I
told him I was all right and that he should go back to
sleep.
But I could not sleep, so I got up agen, sat in the hall,
finished reading my bookmy book (like 30 pages) and thought
about stuff (no no longer crying that was only in the hall
the first time and when I was outside)
Afther a while I went in to the coach, its next to his bed,
watched him sleep and started to send some sms, no one
exept me was awake of couse.

I feelt asleep finaly, but then Tommy wake me up, what are
you doing on the coach?
He was worrind, I was tired and went to bed agen, I think
he tryed to talk, at least ask me some questions but I
didnt feel like answering them, just sleeping.
When the clock wake us up he was stil worrid, going for a
walk in the middle of the night? laying on the coach?
I told him that I could`t sleep, and stupid as I was I
said "but I was okey, I got to finish my book"ou
That did not exactly help, "dis you sit in the dark and
read?" oh oh, not exactly the best thing to say, #oh no, I
sat in tha hall, where the light is on"
"Oh no,at least you should have been in here, not out there
alone" So I told him that I didnt wanted to bother him, and
he was all like "oh sweetie" and huged and kissed me a
milion times.
He was going to pick up a guy before they went to work and
was really late because he feelt that I was much more
inportant even thought one of his bosses dont like them
beeing not even a minute late..
So I guess you can say that he is worrid about me.

Wow, this was a long entry, I`ll give you the rest later.

Angel




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