2001-07-13 04:00:19 (UTC)


Sunday, November 14, 1999
I am so fucking sick of school. All I ever do, all
day, every day, is sit and do homework or do something that
has to do with school. Constantly. That’s it. No more,
no less. My life is one, big ball of homework that I will
never get done because I have years and years of shit to go
through yet.
On a lighter note…
I want to experience loneliness. I don’t think in
my life I have ever been lonely. I mean, there are a few
moments in life where I want to talk to someone and no one
is around. Being that loneliness is the only word I can
think of to describe that feeling, I use that word to put a
label on my thoughts and feelings. However, I don’t think
I’ve ever experienced something where I just think, “I need
someone.” You know what I mean?
I have never, like so many other people in the
world, thought that I needed to have friends or needed to
have a lover or needed to have a family. I’ve always
thought that I really don’t need anyone. I still feel that
way, but, like I said a long time ago, (I would have to say
in the missing part one of 286 Days) I want to feel
everything that normal people feel throughout their lives.
No, I am not normal. I think you can see that by
how I describe things and how I think about things. Almost
everything I say and do has deeper meaning.
OK, it doesn’t. But for some reason, I think
whatever anyone else does has a deeper meaning. I think
that’s why I am always so screwed up. I’m always busy
checking to see a deeper meaning in something that I never
really see what actually happened. I look for hidden
meanings behind things; I’m constantly asking, “why?”
“I’m tired of wise choking on wise.
I just need some because, because.”
-Fiona Apple
I want everything normal people have.
Maybe I can’t have everything normal people have.
Maybe I shouldn’t have it. I see everything at so many
different levels that maybe this apathy towards everything
emotional is the price I pay for seeing beauty in all;
infinity in everything.
Of course, maybe it’s also my way of dealing with
everything uncomfortable in life. It’s hard to feel bad
about something when you don’t feel anything at all.
I love psyching myself out.

I think Erickson was right (at least partly). I
think everyone does go through moments of crisis. When
those crises are solved, then we find a type of resolution
(the only problem Erickson had was that there are only a
few, defined crises. In actuality there are too many to
count). For instance, I was feeling sorry all day today
for something, although I don’t know what. I was feeling
almost guilty for something undetermined. I still can’t
tell you why I feel that way, but I do. For some reason,
since I have identified that feeling, I feel better. I
don’t know why, but I do. Right now I feel like I could
take on the world, less than an hour ago I felt like the
world had already conquered me and I’m only 20 (it conquers
everyone eventually, I just thought it’d be a lot longer
for me seeing as how nothing really affects me all that
‘Course I just got done watching the X-Files where
Scully and Mulder tell each other that they are everything
to each other. That got me kind of happy.
I was doing a bit of homework and reading about
Robert Browning. He was the husband of Elizabeth Barrett
Browning who wrote “Letters from the Portuguese.” I think
that was the name of it. It’s a collection of poems
including the poem (Sonnet 43 I think) “How I love thee,
let me count the ways…”
Anyway, I was reading a bit about his life. He was
married to her for 15 years. He got her out of her house
where she was a prisoner for most of her life. Then she
ran off with Robert to Italy where they lived until she
died. He then had 28 years by himself. I was just
thinking, “what would it be like to be with someone for
fifteen years?” I’ve barely lived 20 (of course, if you
count the times since I’ve been ‘really alive’ I’ve only
lived about 5 years), what could possibly be the link
between two people that would possess them to spend every
day for 15 years together. That’s 5478 days together (give
or take). Was I really prepared to do that with Frizzy?
Am I really prepared to do that now with anyone, even my
I guess I’m not as mature in my head as I thought I
I take that back, I think I am; after all, I was
able to deduce this. I’m just not all that understanding
with matters of the heart (like I said, only five years or
so). I don’t get how you can love someone like that (which
they did) for that long with that kind of intensity.
Take Sean and Shana for instance (that’s my
roommate and his fiancé). He is one of the most annoying
fucks I’ve ever met in my life. He basically retells the
same shit that he saw from movies over and over again
without any regard for who is listening. He thinks louder
is better. He defends all law, no matter how trivial and
dumb (he would be one of those people who would have fought
for the south in the Civil War simply because the law at
the time was slavery is legal). He thinks drinking is the
coolest thing. He says he is way too busy to get a job,
yet he never leaves the apartment. He argues with his mom
constantly, calls her a bitch, and yet asks her for money
all the time. He is one of the most annoying, hypocritical
human beings on this planet, and I’ve only known him for a
few months. Shana can’t get enough of him.
She is constantly over here, she does her homework
here, cooks here, eats here, does everything with him. How
can she possibly want to be around someone so annoying all
the time? I’m only in his presence about 10 minutes a day
and I can’t stand the fucker. What could possibly possess
her to want him and want to be with him? Of course, he’s
more normal than I am, probably more attractive too; but
what does she see in him? How did it happen?
This is what I don’t understand. I see it all
around me: stupid-ass men with cool-ass women. Or vice
versa. How do all these people get together? Why aren’t
any of my friends getting together with anyone? Why aren’t
The world doesn’t make sense. Of course I always
knew that.
I am going to get a grip on this whole life thing.
I promise.
Love is weird. I’m happy that, at one time, I was
deeply in love with someone. I’m glad I know the feeling
and remember it. I’m also kind of sad that now I know what
I’m missing, at least a little bit.