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2002-08-16 06:24:40 (UTC)

Tonight, Tonight

I had practice tonight and it was long, but not too bad.
I'm showing a lot of restraint with this diet. I ate 850
calories today which is good-for me at least. I hope to get
it down to 600 and then leave it at that. That should get
me down 25 pounds by this time next month---I've done it
before and that's about right. I'm so hungry right now I
could cry. So I sit here and try and keep my mind off it
and think of looking good for school-for Luke and I chew my
Trident and drink my diet coke. I can't wait to sleep so I
can not feel hungry anymore. I can't wait for next week
when I'll be able to eat less than this and not feel
hungry, that is so what I need.

Luke--well, Rob saw him tonight and they talked for awhile--
Luke doesnt think anything's changed with me and him-ha. He
doesnt talk to me online or call me anymore...he's drifting
and I think its for good...I feel numb inside and maybe
that's good..I miss him calling just to say hi when I'm at
work, walking me to class and giving me a kiss before I go
in, him telling me how lucky he is to be with me all that,
I miss that and I don't think I'll ever get that back. And
I don't want that ever again with anyone else. It's too
hard and it doesnt last ever. It's pointless, it's a
vicious cycle that never ends-like being stuck on a merry-
go-round. Well, I'll stop all this shit. From now on I'm
not going to let feelings be involved. Just male affection
that have no feelings attached what-so-ever. That's all for

"Time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change the less you feel
believe, believe in me, believe
that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright
and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light
and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
the place where you were born
believe, believe in me, believe
in the resolute urgency of now
and if you believe there's not a chance tonight
tonight, so bright
we'll crucify the insincere tonight
we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight"-SP

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