Shantie

Finding my Light
2002-08-16 06:06:03 (UTC)

Weakness

My mom, sister, and I went to the mall to shop for a
little while. The whole day was pretty good. I just wish
it would have ended on the same note. I just went online
after my father just gave my sister and I a little verbal
beating (not that we kind of didn't deserve it). My father
has always been very strick on my sister and I and when we
did something wrong he always made sure that we fully
understood what we did wrong and would never do it again.
I hate it when he has these little "talks" with us though
because I was never good at dealing with negative feelings
directed at me or at other people I loved. In fact I can't
take them at all. I always end up crying because I alwasy
end up feeling like the worst person in the world, but I
know that's not what my father is trying to do. I know he
really means well.
During the time my father was talking to us though I
began to recall another time when I felt so stupid because
of a mistake. Sadly I still live with that dark secret
that only four people know and what makes it worst is that
I am no longer friends with those very same people. I
guess that is just my punishment for my stupid misjudgement
and selfish wish. I pray though that someday I won't have
to carry this heavy burded alone and find comfort and
support in someone. In my heart I hope that someone might
someday be Nick, but until my spirit has enough strength to
let go of this past I can only wait and hope. I feel so
horrible for keeping this from the people I love (mainly my
parents), but I don't want them to now the pain I went
through and how tiring it was keeping up the happy little
girl attitude that basically everyone knew me as.