I'm a girl, not a band!!!
2002-08-16 05:07:35 (UTC)

A Bit

It's been a bit. I know. I just haven't had much to say I
guess. I've been looking for a job like a crazy person.
It's the worst job in the world, let me tell you.

I'm sitting here listening to Ave Maria. I don't know why.
I've been downloading old church songs. They are
comforting. Familiar. Pie Jesu, stuff like that too.
Again, a zealot I am not, but it's....familiar is the only
word I have.

I have a friend very worried about me. He just got
engaged. He made me cry with the nice things he said. We
are very similar. VERY similar. It's odd. We both are shy
in unknown situations, ruled by our emotions, wear our
hearts on our sleeves, and basically want people to love

I've been reading through Chris' diary. He put some link
in it where people who don't pay for the service can add
notes to certain entries. So, I went through all of the
ones he wrote. It's funny, that the only time he writes
about feelings (yes, I'm obsessed with feelings. But
that's because I think with my heart and my emotions, and
can understand them more easily than logic. See? Even that
isn't logical. Told 'ya.) is when he wrote about his
mother (which I reread and just lost it. I cried and
cried. I don't think he'd like hearing that, but he's
going to read this and find out anyway) and about Regan.
He claims that he wasn't in love, he just was in love with
something he couldn't have. But I think there was more
there, and at least from what he wrote, you get the
feeling that he was just so broken hearted.

And because I'm not used to knowing what he feels, it
caught me off guard. Because he keeps his emotions to
himself, I got tired of trying to wheedle them out of him.
So I've stopped. But in another of his entries, he writes

"I'VE LEARNED that no matter how many friends you have, if
you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the
times you sometimes need them the most."

And I know that he is the pillar for many of his friends.
But does he have a pillar? I hope he does. Someone who
supports him and listens to him and will help him no
matter what. Someone who he will 'allow' to help him. That
is my wish for him.