Anonymous

Diary
2002-08-16 01:55:24 (UTC)

Social Graces

Social graces are an extremely important thing to have, so
important, in fact, that I am going to devote this entire
diary entry to talking about them. Divided into five
sections (eating, entertaining, dating, frienships, and
work), I will discuss my own personal ideas about the
ontological view of "manners" our society commonly holds,
as well as an overview of the types of social graces that
my friends have (my exibit A of "Do Not Do").

EATING
Do not eat disgusting things in front of other people, such
as a huge, phallic piece of bread that you cram down your
mouth in a way that bears an uncanny resemblance to
fellatio.


Do not talk with your mouth full; if you absolutely have
to, try not to say words with hard consonant sounds,
like "succotash" or "pizza" or "Satan". You will spit your
food, and worse, your saliva, on the person you are talking
to. This is considered extremely rude and very disgusting.

Do not put food in your private parts. Enough said.

ENTERTAINING
If you choose to have a guest, be polite, offer amenities,
and make sure your guest feels comfortable. Make sure she
does not feel as though your family members will rape or
kill her; make her feel wanted and special.

Offer to do things that your guest would wish to do, for
instance, take her to the mall, go see a film, or eat out.
Do not drag her along to do things that YOU want to do,
especially when they are disturbing in nature, such as
stalking the boy you like by driving by his house late at
night.

If you have a friend over for an extended stay, the polite thing to
do is help that person with their luggage (especially the heavist
luggage) and give them a comfortable bed to sleep in while they are
over. Furthermore, once they leave, BRYNNE, it is nice to get up off
your ass and see them to the door. Actually, my mother was
completely appalled that you sat on the couch when we left without
even seeing us to the door. That's horrifyingly rude.

DATING
Well, I believe it's polite for the male to pay for the
date, exceptions being if he is homeless or on welfare.

DO NOT pretend like you are a Harvard student while in
actuality you are a homeless man who lives in the basement
of the Harvard cafeteria who stole his nice clothes and
palm pilot in order to impress impressionable young coeds.
DO NOT try to lure these girls into your cardboard box
after the date for a nice drink of fecal water and a feast
of saltine crackers.

Don't be homeless.

Never maniacally call your date after the fact, especially
if they do not call you first. Commonly, the male calls
the female; it isn't prudent for the female to call the
male--he could be having sex with his wife who lives in
Ohio that you never knew about because he didn't tell you,
while his nine year old son is eating pancakes in the
kitchen of his trailor.

Never let your date know that you're secretly seeing two
guys AND a girl on the side. He will probably not want to
date you if he knew of this.

FRIENDSHIPS
Don't call them too much. They will be annoyed.

Never try to change your friends; if they do something you
disagree with, like kill small rodents for fun or date your
boyfriend, then simply discontinue all contact.

Don't physically fight with your friends; this is unseemly
and barbaric. But you may, if they trespass on their
liberties, call them a skank biscuit and move on.

Buy your friends gifts. A birthday present is mandatory;
small gifts here and there are acceptable as well as nice
gestures. If they don't return the presents, this may
indicate that they are not as good of friends to you as you
are to them, unless they are homeless or on welfare or live
in a crackhouse, in which case it is unrealistic to expect
them to buy you expensive perfumes and nice dinners. A
rock of crack, though, is an acceptable gift from a friend
who lives in a crackhouse--it's the least they can do.

WORK
Go to work on time, and always be nice to your boss. If he
or she doesn't like you, then call them a beaurocratic cunt
behind their back.

Don't date your coworkers, and don't have sex with them in
storerooms. Often times there are surveillance cameras in
the storerooms, and you will inevitably be caught by a poor
unsuspecting person who really does not have to watch soft
core porno while they're on the job.

Don't work at the Japanese restaurant Maneki Neko, for it
is owned by a completely psychotic woman by the name of
Soong, and a retard sushi chef named Jimmy, both of whom
are dispicable dirty people because they neither bath or
change their clothes and probably are crawling with lice
and parasites.

Well folks, this is all. These are my basic beliefs in
etiquitte, and I hope you can respect them when you are
around me. Thank you for your time and patience, now get
lost.




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