woman

the life of one woman
2001-07-12 22:09:56 (UTC)

not your girl

sometimes i feel i've lost myself. i don't know that i ever
had a firm hold on me but i'm definitely lost. for years i
played tug-o-war with my own mother over my personality, my
identity, my very life. but i ran from her. i got some
money together and moved out of her house and her rules. i
didn't have to fight the mold she attempted to place me in
and reshape me by.

if you've ever seen tim burton's _sleepy hollow_ you'll have
a visual reference. if not, tough shit, here's a movie
spoiler: ichabod crane is having a flashback about his mum
who was a free thinking woman that had an earth based faith
of somekind. call her a witch for expedience. his father,
or an older male relation of some sort, was a man of the
cloth who decided to punish the witch for believing and
living differently. he placed her within an iron maiden.
the torture device is a human shaped, iron casket in a
standing position. this device opens on hinges like a
casket too. the inside is lined with long spikes which are
driven into the condemned when they are locked up in the
iron maiden.

growing up with fundamental/pentacostal christian parents
who were very rigid and overprotective was bad enough. heap
upon that tall order for therapy the fact that my mother was
raised in korea as the third of six. (her two older brother
and mother died at different times so she got to pick up the
slack. she totally bought into the _asian women must
sacrifice everything to further the potential of the males
in their lives_ mentality.)

all of these things were my iron maiden. i escaped that to
end up in a relationship where i'm finding that i am
voluntarily compromising away myself. i do things and
behave ways to please the guy in my life. it's wrong. i
don't know how i came to this. inch by inch i suppose.
that is how ground is lost in battle. the fact that i
analogize my relationship to battle is a bad sign.

i'm miserable.

i don't go out like i used to. i can't remember the last
time i went out to shoot pool and i love it. i quit going
to the gym a couple of years ago...my flabby ass could tell
you that. i don't go out dancing so much anymore. fuck me,
i hardly leave the house. i can't remember the last time i
got laid. i miss sex. we used to have it every day. now
we go weeks at a time without it. the excuses i have to
hear...rejection sucks. i stopped asking for it or trying
to initiate it because i tired of the pain of rejection.
when he does touch me it just annoying because i know we're
not going to have sex. i feel like i'm there just to keep
him from being alone and i just feel more alone.
imprisoned.

i'm with an old man. i don't know where my lover went and
it doesn't matter because i don't want him back, i know
he's not capable of coming back. time flows in one
direction. i just want to be by myself. happy.

ugh, weeping at work. glad i didn't bother with mascara
today.

i will get out. somehow...

i don't know how.


-------------------------------------
not your girl, by bree sharp

i stutter like a broken clutch
when you touch me too much
my tongue gets twisted in your twirl
you say i'm not your kind of girl

a spider underneath my skin
i want you out, i want you in
the venom and the vaccine swirl
you say i'm not your kind of girl

what kind of girl should i be?
the kind of girl who doesn't see
that you're looking at me like you want to be seein'
someone else
somebody else

you rip the sureness from my stare
and throw the pieces in the air
your fingers string me like a pearl
you say i'm not your kind of girl

it's not a secret anymore
what you keep me around for
my excuses all unfurl
am i that kind of, kind of girl?

what kind of girl should i be?
the kind of girl who doesn't see
that you're looking at me like you wanna be seein'
someone else
somebody else
see somebody else
see somebody else
see somebody else
see somebody else
i want you to see somebody
i want you to see somebody
i want you to see somebody else