myrddyn

reflections from the kiddie pool
2002-08-15 22:27:15 (UTC)

A life passion


The other night I caught part of a Dr. Phil episode on
Oprah that my wife missed, and it's too bad. Part of it
was the value of having a close friend as a release valve
(which for me is, in part, this journal when things aren't
going well). Another part was about having a passion as
being an important part of your life. SOmething you
pursue, having goals, etc . . . . They did a whole segment
on this one woman who had lost her passions in the midst of
being a mother, and how Dr. Phil's advice helped her find
her own life again.

It dovetailed nicely with our counsellor, who basically
told my wife the same thing. Our counsellor's biggest fear
for us is that if we don't find more mutual activities to
enjoy before we have kids, that by the time the kid is
grown up and out of the house we will have drifted too far
apart to ever become a couple again. Either we'll be
unhappy or get divorced. But she has also talked to my
wife about finding her own interests.

The problem is, she insists she doesn't have any. Never
has. I've talked to her about things she enjoyed doing
when she was younger, but didn't make any progress. She
can't think of anything she used to do that would translate
into a current interest. She blames it on living in places
where there wasn't much of anything to do, so she didn't do
anything. Some people discover things they are interested
in during college, but she says pretty much the only things
she did in college was hang out with her friends, go to
bars, drink, and go to class/do homework. No
extracurriculars.

Our counsellor has made a lot of noice about us doing
things together. So now every time we do something my wife
is quick to point out that, in fact, we are doing something
together and she's going to mention it at the next
session. And while I appreciate the fact that we're doing
something together, I think it is missing the point.

For example, she'll suggest we go golfing. But it won't
mean anything to her if I say I don't want to go. As far
as she is concerned, it is a mechanism by which we do
something together and not out of any interest in the
underlying subject matter, i.e. golf in this instance. She
took lessons to get better not because she wants to score
lower per se, but because if she doesn't get as frustrated
on the course she'll be more likely to go and that is
a 'joint activity'.

What I really want is for her to have something that
excites her. Because if her whole life revolves around
being at home and doing some activities with me, then there
isn't anything to her outside of the two of us. It's like
she's a turtle hiding in a marital shell.

So to that extent it is a selfish interest. I want a
better marriage for myself, and as far as I'm concerned
that can only be accomplished when both partners have their
own interests that get them going. Yes, you want mutual
interests, but not exclusively.

I'm sure I have talked about this before, so I am beating a
bit of a dead horse here. Also it is always easier to
criticize someone else in lieu of self-evaluation. But I
have to do this venting. Luckily I have a friend in the
same boat, but we don't get to talk nearly enough.

Also, I don't know if I mentioned that my wife bought some
exercise tapes. It is the 4th or 5th piece of exercise
equipment/tapes she has bought since we got married. The
dog likes to use the step to see better out the window, and
I cracked one of the tapes open to get a look at it, but
otherwise the tapes are all unopened and the equipment
unused. She says that she wants to start yoga, and last
night even showed where they are giving some free starter
classes, but (and I hate to be so pessimistic here) I'll
believe it when I see it. She has 2 yoga DVDs (one I got
her because she kept talking about wanting to start), and
some yoga equipment. But we also have an elliptical cycle,
a body-blade, and we used to have one of those stationary
rowing machines that we sold to my folks so we could buy
the elliptical cycle. We also have some aerobic tapes in
addition to the new ones we just bought, which are, I
think, "The Firm" or something like that.

I would love to have a partner with a genuine interest in
physical fitness. I hope she does make good on starting
yoga, or hell anything for that matter.

So there, those are my rants and vents for the day. I
think I had it in mind to talk about some of the more
difficult periods of my youth, but I am just putting it
off. Hopefully I'll muster up the courage to put it here
soon.




Ad: