sarah beara

sarah beara
2002-08-15 19:33:48 (UTC)

i ve come to think of my..

i've come to think of my emotions and feelings as a pile
of rocks and stones...a huge pile...just waiting to topple
over and take everything over...but instead of being able
to do that there's this little gate that holds them's
just like a little fence surronding them...

once in a while there are a few that escape and slip
through the tiny cracks in the gate - but for the most part
the gate has been doing a good job of keeping them
from overflowing...

lately however, i've noticed that the latch on the gate is a
little rusty and some of the screws are loose....i can't
find the screwdriver to tighten them and i'm all of ways
to help stop the latch from rusting any farther...

part of me thinks that it would be better if the gate just
fell down....if all the stones and rocks were able to just
take everything over like they want and just make a nice
little home for themselves in different areas of my
life....then another part of me doesn't know if i'm ready
for that....

i don't know if i am ready or strong enough to deal with
everything that the rocks and stones represent...i know i
have to be at some point because the gate can't last's not strong enough and it's not healthy....the
rocks need to be able to breathe in order for them to not
feel as awkward....

i know that there are a lot of things that i haven't dealt
with and things that i have never told anyone about...not
my mom, not my best friends, not any of the loves i've
had, no one...there are a lot of things that i haven't even
come to grips with myself let alone unleashing them on
someone else...i just don't know what to about it...

i know for my sake i need to just get over it and confide
in someone...but once i start to open that gate,
everything is going to topple over...there's a possibility it
will suffocate either me or the person that's helping
me...i don't want that...i'm not ready for that....

i have quite a few more problems psychologically than i
like to admit to myself...let alone others...and if i was to
just say forget every guard i've ever had up and let
someone try to help me, i'd have to not only admit my
problems to myself...but to other people as well....that's
a hard thing to do when i can barely understand them

i also would have to have absolute trust in someone...i
trust one person with everything...i know that i can trust
him with things like this...but it's just getting there that's
the problem....getting to the point where i can say
certain things without them leading into other things...

i'm sure he knows more about me without me even
having to say a word about it than anyone else i've
met...i know that he can see things that other people
don't even take time to notice...and that amazes me so
much and is such a good feeling - but it's scary at the
same time....i mean - it's strange to think that someone
who i've only just gotten really close to might know me
better than half the friends i've had my entire life...or half
the friends i've had for just about the past 10's
awesome...but strange....

i don't know...there are so many emotions that i've felt
and things that i've gone through during the past couple
of years that i haven't completely dealt with yet....i think
deep down i'm afraid to deal with them...i always
thought that i was okay...but now i see that i wasn't...that
i never really was okay....that i liked to think that i was
just a normal happy go lucky girl - but that's not the
case at all....all these feelings have been here and i'm
just now really noticing them...i'm just now realizing
where other problems have come from....where my low
self-esteem has come from...where my low sense of
self worth has come from....where my fear of rejection
has come from....where my fear of losing people close
to me comes from....there are lots of things...

for the most part it all goes back to one of two
things....and they have to be two of the most influential
events in my life....

i thought i was over them all but apparently not...i
thought that the first didn't bother me as much as it
did...but apparently i was wrong....i thought that i had
grieved over the second long enough that it didn't affect
me as much anymore - but i can see now that i am no
where near okay about it....i'm so incredibly afraid of
everything happening again...i can't handle it...

sometimes i wish i could be a little kid again and that i
could just be naive and innocent without a care in the
world other than what barbie i was going to play with,
what sleepover i was going to go to on friday night, what
new kid on the block i was going to obsess over

sometimes i wish that all i needed to feel better was a
hug...just a simple hug....that it could make everything
all better...but that's not all i need...i need something
deeper than that....i need someone....other than my
mom....someone who won't judge the things i do but
help me through them...someone who won't be hurt by
some of the things i have to say about my childhood
and past....someone to just listen....someone to just
understand...or seem to understand and not really tell
me if they don't - just let me believe they do...

i don't know why i depend so much on other people for
all of this...i should be able to feel that i can rely on's dangerous depending on other
people...often times other people are the least reliable
things in the world...who's going to be there for you no
matter what? you....that's you can't help
support yourself, then what's the point of even going on

wow, i don't think i've ever analyzed so much of my life
in such a small time span.....

maybe this is a new beginning...a beginning of a time
when i am eager to figure things out rather than just
brush things to the side.....a beginning of a time when i
will overcome all of this and be three times as strong
as i thought i was before....

god, i hope so....

i can't stand feeling broken much longer...i really can't...