sarah beara

sarah beara
2002-08-15 15:31:57 (UTC)

got offline last night and..

got offline last night and wrote a 9 page journal entry...
turned off the light and tried to go to bed...
couldn't sleep because i was too busy thinking...
thinking is a bad thing when you think too much about
what i was thinking about....
cried myslf to sleep because of my overanalyzing my
present situations....

then...
woke up this morning with huge bags under my eyes...
took a shower...
put my pjs back on...
went back to bed instead of getting ready for work...
woke up at 7:50...
still wasn't ready to go to work..but got dressed and
ready anyway...
got in the car and started my journey to work...
got to work 20 minutes late...
have a headache the size of new mexico from my eyes
hurting...
the bags under my eyes are gone at least...
feeling kinda sad and lonely...don't know why
really....think it's that whole "not a priority" thing...
look like shit...
confused...
hungry...
bored...
tired...
lonely....
feel myself slipping and i can't find anything to grab
onto...

i needed someone and no one was there...
no one is ever there really...
everyone that i know (everyone who isn't on the internet,
isn't that kinda sad in a way?) is always too busy to
even notice that something is wrong with me, let alone
help me...
no one has time...
everyone else is more important..

why am i writing this at work?
i feel like i want to just climb under my desk, hide, and
cry for a really really long time again...
i haven't felt like this in such a long time...
it feels weird...
scary...
lonely...
i don't want to go through this again...
i thought that everything i went through for the past few
months was over...
that i was finally at a good point in my life where i could
finally get shit together...but apparently not...
no, this part isn't about you if you're reading this....

i have to stop thinking....
but i can't...

i wish there was just a plug that i could stuff in my brain
to stop thoughts from coming...
but i can't...
i don't know why...
on second thought - maybe a plug to stuff in my heart to
stop from feeling would be better....
it's all these different emotions that i don't know how to
handle...
i just don't know what to do about it....

i feel like everything is shit...
everything but one thing - but i don't even fucking know
anymore...
i don't know what to do...
i don't know what i feel...
what do i know?
i need to do something - but i can't quite figure out
what...
i need to do something that will make me happy - but i
can't figure out what that is...
i need to do something more with my life...
but what?

meh.


Ad:0