sweetaddiction

pain.

i did something wrong...
actually i did a lot of shit wrong. its funny. you know.
well not really. its just the people that i love the most i
always end up hurting the most. like my mother. there are
like NO words to describe how much i have hurt my mother
over the years. but you know she loves me
unconditionally...no matter what i do. she always will. and
i think shes the only one that understands when it comes to
this shit. i mean. if someone hurts me, i automatically
think that its because they dont love me. or like me. or
care about me. or respect me. or whatever. you know. and
then i get rid of them because they make me feel bad about
myself..but its like. i KNOW how i feel about people. about
certain people. i KNOW. and STILL i fucking hurt them.
KNOWING what im doing. im not going to lie and be like, oh
no. i didnt know what i was doing im a victim of
circumstance blahblah i was drunk. whatever. no. i fucking
brought this all on myself. and her. i HURT her. people
hurt other people. i hurt other people. i am no better than
any of them...
you know. i fucking wish she lived closer so fucking badly.
you know...everything would be so less complicated. i cant
explain to people how love and sex are so very fucking
different to me. and thats not excusing what i did. as i
stated, i KNOW. i know i fucked up and im a bitch. you
know. i fucking know that. but they are so different to me,
still. i mean. yes. i love amber. and im not sure how i
love her. but i love SO many people. its like im an
emotional whore, seriously. and sometimes that can cross
with the physical...
looking back now. i wish that i didnt do it. just because
it has brought so much pain on someone i love so much...i
should have thought about that before. i know. i know ALL
the RIGHT things to fucking do and say and i HATE people
that cheat on other people. you know. i fucking do. and
STILL i did this shit. so what the FUCK does that say about
me as a person.
and the whole oh if you really love someone you wouldnt
cheat on them. yeah. i believe that. but THAT doesnt
EXPLAIN me. because i DO FUCKING LOVE her. you know. i was
fucking TALKING about her to amber...i was telling amber
how wonderful and amazing she is and how much i love her,
like even after we had sex. before too. and i would have
been online to talk to her more but i couldnt be because of
this whole outlet thing and i didnt want to be a bitch
guest. but i SO wanted to talk to her. and i couldnt. and i
love her so much. and im NOT just upset about the
consequences. im just upset that i HURT you. thats all.
personally i dont feel bad for having sex with amber
because i love her. so its not bad for me. but it is for
you. and THATS why its fucked up and why i shouldnt have
done anythign and why i feel like shit and cant fuckign eat
and but you know whatever. because it is all my fault.