woman

the life of one woman
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Ezoic
2001-07-12 19:13:15 (UTC)

2 days in solitary confinement

ok, sure i want out and i haven't told him that yet. i have
been mopey or muzzey as _medancer_ would call it. but i
didn't do anything recently to piss him off or bring down
the silent treatment. it lasted a whole two days.

well i did prep the segment below for posting and i think he
saw it. i even had a title for it:

selfish bitch

soon after the american anniversary of independence the
princess married the soldier. the morning fog rolled away
and the sun shone down on bodega bay as friends and family
gathered on the shore. they had come from near and far
tenessee, alaska, san jose, texas, and las vegas. they all
appeared to convey their best wishes.

upon closer inspection of them you might notice that there
was one who did not gush with the same brand of happiness as
all others present. if you watched her closely you might see
right into the sadness in her eyes, the sadness that told
the story of the past. it was a past that held adventure,
love, hurt, and regret. if that sadness had words these
would be them:

it was my fault they met but fault is the wrong word for two
people enwined in such joy. i indirectly cause them to meet.
that sounds less self-pitying and less martyr like.

what did i know of unconditional love and acceptance when i
was nineteen? i had never known it before and haven't seen
the likes of it since. i didn't even know i had it when i
did. fool. but i was afraid and i pushed her away, broke
things off. she mailed me all of her flaxen hair. no words,
just her beautiful hair that i loved to run my hands
through. how i loved to tug at it, right up until it pissed
her off; sort of. she never really seemed angry at me. not
until i broke her heart. after i received the envelope, from
north carolina where she had decided to transfer for school,
all i was treated to was silence.

almost a year passed. i still had the hair. i was certain
she hated me. i surrendered to fate believing that she would
write if we were meant to ever be friends again. amazingly,
she sent me a card. those certainly weren't the kindest
words but they were from her in her lovely and feminine
script. we corresponded for another year. i spent a third of
my income on postage and phone calls. finally, she agreed to
fly out and visit. what an amazing week.

we traversed about the coast, country side and up into the
city of san francisco. there were endless days of tanning on
nude beaches, long conversations in coffee shops, sunsets on
the water, and shopping here, there, and everywhere. the
night before she was to leave we went back into the city for
dinner and dancing. we stayed out all night long. on the way
home we stopped in the los altos hills and had an intimate
sunrise all to ourselves.

and then she flew away.

her mum was supposed to pick her up at the airport. some
crisis or another arose and she was unable to make it. she
talked a neighbor into picking my dear tekla up. peter and
tekla met for the first time that night.

a month or so later tekla's parents packed up to move back
to alaska and tekla stayed behind with peter. she's been
with him ever since. tekla and i managed to find the magic
of our friendship once more. i may have lost out on a
certain love in my youthful ignorance but i recognized the
opportunity to reclaim the most amazing friend i'd ever
known.

luckily, peter was transfered to santa rosa two years
ago...and lucky for him, he's a great guy.

---

last friday night before the wedding, i started to panic. i
froze inside wanting to know what i would do without tekla.
(i realize marriage isn't death and that since she and peter
aren't planning on children little will change; but
nothing's the same.)

during the ceremony my tears just dried up and evaporated in
the breeze. i felt like i was drying up too, from the inside
out. i was ashamed of myself for feeling this way, for not
being blissfully happy for her on that day.

and i don't know what i'll do if the army transfers peter
again before he's discharged. i'll be so lonely if she
leaves...

i'm gonna go finish my bottle of wine and fall into bed now.

these fucking emotions are so goddamned confusing what's
wrong with me what kind of friend am i


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