Shades of Green

~To Dream so Vivid~
2001-07-12 10:23:07 (UTC)

Beginning a Path, Winding through Sadness

Have you ever had a dream so vivid, that you were
afraid of waking up? Where everything is so beautiful,
almost so much that it hurts, that to wake up, would be
akin to death? I have felt that, and now, I fear that I
have awoken from it, and I have only myself to blame.
I have a girl that I'm in love with. I first met her
at a doujinshi event, on the 14th of October, 2000. She was
dressed as a Japanese Pop Star, but I think what first drew
my attention were her eyes and lips. The way she looked at
things, and the way she smiled, it just made me happy. Now,
it's the morning of July 12th, and... we're no longer
Everything finally fell apart last weekend, at an anime
convention, and everything that I said and did, I regret so
terribly. I know that, in a way, it was all necessary, to
push me to grow, but because of how it was done, because of
what the repercussions are, my world is just that much
colder now. I feel alone again, confused and afraid, even
though she still loves me.
We still love each other, and want to be together, but
I am no longer her boyfriend. The kisses are still shared,
but the title is gone, and I wonder now, how much that
title mattered. Because now, when I am reminded of what I
no longer am, what I once was, I feel pain. Guilt, and
pain, and it makes me want to curl up and step out of her
I don't know what this is. What I am supposed to be.
I know that I must learn to love who I am, to feel
worthwhile without her, but at the same time, I am left
frightened and confused with my lack of persona in her
eyes. I know I am something to her, but what I do not know
is what exactly it all entails. What can I do, what can I
not do, what should I do?
I love her so much that sometimes, it hurts. When I
love someone, I give them all of my love, and sometimes, I
worry that I've left nothing for myself. Maybe that is the
root of my problem. I used to always romanticize that
thought, but now, I realize it is the virus that eats away
at me when I am not with her.
Drama has always been a part of my life, and I am the
melodramatic lead character in my world. I feel it my
place to be hurt, because of who I once was, and because of
who I am not yet. I do not like myself, when all masks are
cast aside, and when I let someone I love get that close to
me, I become frantic. I need, but at the same time, I
don't want to need that much. And it is that conflict that
has stolen away so much of my happiness. I am blind in my
love, and must find the balance, but that balance is
something I have no knowledge of. I think that, for me to
be happy, with someone and without, I need their help to
find my way.
My emotions and my heart veil my eyes, and I hope that
She can be my guide. Even if it hurts, even if I find
myself alone at night, singing my tears into the shadows, I
want to find my way through the Pain. Because I do not
want to lose the person that I love. The person that makes
it feel like my Dream and Reality have finally mingled.

I love you, and miss you, my Tenshi.