Life as I know it.
2001-07-12 06:51:31 (UTC)

im dumb dumb dumb dumb

Well I emailed Matt, after I unblocked him of course. I
apologized for what he had to see, but not for what I
wrote. I explained that this is how i vent. I vent
often. I told him I wanted to always tell these thigns to
him but I just couldnt but now he knows. I dont know if
its good he knows, probably hates me more than he ever
thought he could. I only write these things cause im still
frustrated that I love him so much still. I just want to
be over him, and I know part of me never will be completely
over him. I want to forget him, but at the same time i
dont. I also told him that I understand if he never wants
to talk to me again, Id feel that way after reading this.
I also finished with the fact that im trying to get over
him so im really super confused cause my mind is calling me
a dumb bitch basically but my heart just wants to be with
matt. Its like I want to either hold him and never let go
of him again or i want to hold his neck between my hands
and never let go....hahahah okay thats not nice but
frustration and sadness and jealousy and love once all
combined equal these strange emotions. ANd I still keep
thinking about what he said about trying to work things
out, of course thats probably all null and void. I wouldnt
be surprised if he never talked to me again...and at one
time thats all i wanted but now im not so sure. Im scared
of him, my mind says he cant hurt me anymore cause im not
with him but my heart is still with him so he can. I
seriously should rebound just to get over him. BUT when im
sober im not like that, when im drunk i just wanna have
someone else other than him...cause everytime i even see
him i just want to cry. So I put up the wall of hatred so
he will just never know.