Lost and Hopeless
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2002-08-14 16:55:41 (UTC)

14th August, nerves

Exam results tomorrow. I wasn't nervous when I was doing
them, but I sure as hell am now. I just wish it was
over. But what am I worried about? Whether I pass or
fail, I'm still stuck here, I still have nothing to
interest me.

Add to that, I found out that M is going out with D. Now,
I know I never had a chance with him cos I'm far to
introverted to catch anyone's attention, but there was
always hope.

I want a personality makeover. Complete overhaul. I am
sick of being walked on just cos I'm quiet. Maybe when I
start uni. Guess I'll have no choice then. If I am still
the same person when I go there, I'll be eaten alive. I
have loads of stuff in my head that I would like to say
and do, and I have this idea of how I want to be. But all
that comes out is a tiny little voice. I'm nothing like
my public self. I'm not saying that I go around in
leather and chains when no one's looking, I mean that in
my head I have all these views on life and how I feel. I
just don't get to say them.

I want to write. Lost for inspiration. Don't have the
focus to read or draw at the moment. Now that I'm finding
out what my future is, I've realised that I'm still in the
same state of mind. I have no idea what I want. I fancy
a nice house in Spain, hot weather, doing nothing but
reading, writing and drawing all day. Unless I find some
money that will never happen.

I broke up with a really nice guy about a month ago just
cos I couldn't feel anything. I didn't feel nervous when
I saw him, I didn't feel all love-sick, I wasn't attracted
to him, and even though we got on brilliantly I couldn't
get interested. I wish I could have, but I couldn't. I
think physical attraction is a big factor. I know how
shallow that sounds, but I won't deny that looks are
important. There. Not often someone admits to it, is
it? Everyone tries to sound good by saying personality is
important, but come on, you want someone you can look at
without feeling sick. I need physical attraction so that
there can be a spark. Maybe it's just my state of mind
and I'm not in relationship mode, or maybe it was just the
lack of physical interest. Now D, there is physical
attraction, but he is just as quiet as me. It would
never work.

Anyway, I need to kill time until tomorrow, cause the
butterflies are racing around in my stomach. No matter
the outcome, I'll be at uni, miserable, or at work,
miserable. Maybe not miserable exactly, but....lost.
Broken. The life I want is out of reach.

I am going to stuff myself full of chocolate (it's a
cliche but it helps) and smoke far too many cigarettes.


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