Julia

Just another Nothing
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2001-07-12 05:57:06 (UTC)

To Remember....

I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore.

Not that I did before, but at least I was conscious.

My mother is evicting all objects belonging to her children
from her home to make room for her new boyfriend. My
boyfriend/fiance comes home with 2 boxes of my past.

I rummage through letters, old pictures, and school
projects. I laugh out loud at my cwp class test/essays. I
never studied and rarely participated in discussions. hell
I wasnt even there 3/4 of the time. My answers to the
questions make me laugh....I'm carefree, writing the first
nonsense reason that comes to my mind, and its really
amusing. I used to be amusing? Hell I amused myself. I
didn't need anyone. When did I get so serious and
meloncholy?

I read letters from my old boyfriend at the art school I
went to. I was always proud of him. We had a fucked up
relationship, both struggling with mental problems, but
together...we were like this awkward, mismatched couple
that just seemed to go well together. I felt very maternal
towards him. I clung to him like a 3 year old to their
father, and I was his magic princess who could do no wrong.
I don't remember how it fell apart. I think I stopped
talking to him gradually. I'm sure he hates me now, or at
least thinks I'm a cliche. Back to the hive with the rest
of the drones...thats where I went.

I long to be back in highschool. My strange, art school
highschool, where I went to school with 6-12 graders, and
teachers who tried to fulfill their artist dreams by
leaving their ghetto schools to come inspire students.
Fuck, 90% of us had no talent, but we were kind.
I long to run up and down the halls again, in my torn
vintage calvin klien jeans I stole from my sister. The
waist hanging off my hips, which I only now realize were
never fat like I had thought. (NOW I am fat).
I miss the feel of a conglomat of assorted bracelets
jingling on my wrists, a ring on each finger, at least
three necklaces...hemp, pisces, runes....
I long for laying in hall ways, doodling letters to my
beloved non-existant friends and lovers, instead of writing
a portfolio to appease my aging writing teacher. She
pretended to like me, but I wasnt one of the 'dedicated' few
thus I was a waste of her retirment time. That was ok by
me. I was a half child half woman. In love with the grey
areas of my imagination. Secretly in love with a boy I had
never met, but wrote to regularly in fiction prose. My
mother eventually banned me from the computer.
I miss sitting alone, because Ken-ken didnt have any
classes with me, strategy I feel, on the part of the staff.
He was the anti-christ after all, and I saw in their eyes
how they feared for my soul.

Jesus, who have I become? After highschool I began to
hybernate. My soul, my humour, my life just trickled away
and I resigned myself to being boring. Full of excuses and
absent of anything permanent or artistic. I gave birth to
my son, adapted to a relationship to a person I love, but
am unsure that I really know. I have no future to speak of,
and have burned all ties to my past. A few months ago I
heard Ken has a baby with a girl who always lusted after
him in highschool, but he always hated. Maybe he hated her
for me. it made me feel better. Oh well...I hope he has his
princess. I on the other hand, am still searching for my
father. He's come around alot, now that the marriage is
gone.

How do I start again? How can I rekindle happiness? how do
I find my light? Where the fuck did it go and how did I let
myself become this joke? This sorry excuse of a person.
I'll write this, then go back to my numb life. Please,
please don't forget that silly girl....in the calvin kline
jeans...in love with the anti-christ, and a boy she'd never
met, writing of abstract poetry, painter of the virgin
mary, lover to her own dreams...


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