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2002-08-13 21:05:30 (UTC)

I wasted my fears on it

everything we learn from the time that we're born until the
time--that defining moment in our lives--when we realize
that we retain the right to think for ourselves:
those things are the things that punish us when we
realize that the thoughts we have on our own completely
revert our positions. we shake rapidly at our informative
sources. we confer and converse with the lies that we
forge for one another.
"john is wearing blue.
I don't like blue. I'll tell john that blue is the color
of abomination."
and so on and so on
i think everything I was told as a child was formulated
during some ritualistic vision of the blessed mother during
a guerilla attack in nam. i'm not even catholic, that's
how far off things got. you hear about the cripples coming
home ranting and raving about the trap that took their
legs, right? well how about the returned reverands and
consistent church-goers who caught a vision of christ in
the flare of a granade? they're the ones who told me that
jesus dabbled in alchemy in his spare time.
[conciousness is a falacy.]
maybe they were onto something though, maybe christ built
himself a nice little garden in the back of the vestebule
and grew opium under a filtered light screen of his own
concoction. but if that's the case, i still don't see why
it's necessary to pledge my allegiance to the christian
flag. forgive me, but when i was in second grade, i
thought the point was to remove symbolism and idolism and
reflect on God himself, so why are we pledging to some
instrument of our own system of beliefs? I pledge
allegiance to catholocism, I pledge allegiance to
shintoism, I pledge allegiance to the teddy graham crackers
that come prepackaged and ready to serve like other nabisco
treats...
sounds a little like, Hail Hitler to me.

and the eventual catechisms that sunday school adventurers
press on us at some point in our uninfected youths. who
made you--"GOD MADE ME!!" why not just hook up the
electric pads to my genitals and ask me if I believe in God
or not. I'm really not opposed to the concept of Creation,
and I do believe in the Bible, but don't we need to
establish the concept of free will before analyzing what
metaphysical event took place to position us here on
earth? What good is it to God if we just believe things
because we're told to? isn't it up to us individually to
consider the truths for ourselves and reason on our own how
we arrived precisely here? maybe there was a big bang, I
personally don't agree with that concept and I do not hold
it as truth for myself, but if I were to believe in
Creation, doesn't that mean that I'd have to accept that
evolution is JUST as possible? there are no evidences of
either. the same laws that govern the bible govern us now,
that it's a bunch of words and that's all--anything more we
put to it or decide to think of it is conjured from our own
minds.
the bible doesn't emit electical streams of
energy at us from time to time. the bible won't levitate
in mid air amid an erie green cloud of smoke, and make
noises like "ahh..." and "oooo..." no it's the southern
baptists who make those noises.

where the hell did i begin, and look at where the hell i am
now.

see, conciousness IS a falacy.
and the thing that
KILLED
me when i was 14 is that I worried so
much about those rhymes and lies reverberating in my head
that i didn't realize that i was actually ok. there are
kids contemplating suicide in our basements because they
have erections. i mean, the guilt that religious
contaminates press on us when we're children is outrageous
and costly to the human condition itself. what have I to
fear? seriuosly:
what are my two main concerns in this life?
live
die.
that is ALL i have to do. i don't have to pledge
allegiance to the fucking christian flag--I'll pledge the
allegiance directly to GOD. and that's the same for the
catholics and their priests. don't go to confession and
try to exhale in the booth all of the dirty thoughts you've
had over the past week so the priest can get his rocks off
on it--just tell God yourself. I mean, is GOD really that
little that he can't hear us? I'm sure it's that he's so
clean he wouldn't dare to lower himself to the lips of the
sinner and listen for a few seconds... where the hell do
these people get off?
interrogating our consciences
it's a sin of itself
and you sit in your throne in the church and watch the
congregation flood through the doors, and you tell them
that the church's sole mission is to deliver people to
God? well i'm readily humbling myself for the foundations
of truth, but there have been numerous occasions where the
church itself was the only thing standing between ME and my
GOD.

Dear CHURCH
you poured the violent slanderings into my head since I was
a baby. i remember the lines spoken softly in the distance
against reason and tied with prejudices. i remember
feeling alone and desperate and shunned because of my
decisions. i ran into myself and away from myself with the
same meter and i was haunted by the sins of my parents and
terrified of the sins of my children and i stood pissing in
my corruption until the screams within my head became
quivering teeth grids on my lower lip. i shook with the
force of a hundred hebrews and cried with the umph of a
thousand trumpets echoing against jerhicho--but now, now
that everything subsided and the walls of a religious
confusion have began to crumble, i see clearly that
i wasted my fears on it all.
love, m


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