Life as I know it.
2001-07-12 01:13:52 (UTC)

Rexy you're so sexy

Well I interviewed for my job, I think I got it!!!
Seriously its a good sign, and its a cute little store that
I think I might actually -like- working at, even if I dont
like it it's still a distraction.

I've just been thinking a lot about my life lately...yeah
surprise from the girl who over analyzes and thinks way too
much about things. I know you are everso shocked. I cant
believe how much I have changed in 5 years. When I was 16
I had this whole theory that I will do whatever the fuck I
wanted to do and not care what anyone thinks, my god I OD'd
on pills on like a daily basis slipping into 20 hour long
sleeping comas basically. I didnt care if I died if it was
going to happen it was. My god i was a fucking drug dealer
too. I had fuscia hair, listened to dark music, partied my
life away but somehow kept my grades up in school. But I'm
still the same, outwardly and superficially I'm perceived
as Jenn, loveable, sweet, caring, great daughter, nice to
small children and snimals Jenn. BUt I am really like
that...but then there is the other part of me (oh so not as
bad as I was when I was 16) which I really just dont give a
fuck. As long as I come out on top thats what I want, I
just try to care about people's feelings more. God when I
was in highschool I backstabbed so many people that never
even really knew it was me...now i try not to hurt anyone,
but still do. And I hate myself for that. Now I have
guilt, damn fucking guilt, something I didnt think Id
experience. I have a conscience now. And that
sucks...well not really cause at least im not as horrible
as I used to be, but sometimes I honestly wished I just
didnt care about anyone or anything...it would make my life
a hell of a lot easier.

I also feel really horrible about how I treated my mom in
highschool I would not want to be seen in public with her
anywhere, I used to scream at her, deny my drug abuse to
her, stealing money (oh god thats horrible I KNOW!) But now
we're like best friends like I can talk to her about
anything....I guess its all part of the growin up process.

Im so trying not to think about Matt...it's hard. So
hard, honestly I probably average a thought about him at
least once per minute even if it is fleeting. I want to
unblock him from my buddy list but I cant bring myself to
do it, then all my jealousy comes back. I prefer to live a
non-jealous life if I can do it. Im also sure he doesnt
want to talk to me either, since he saw this, sees what im
really thinking and am not telling him, etc. I understand,
if he had a diary like this online I'd be super pissed,
well not really, just hurt. So I can only imagine he is
either angry or hurt, probably a nice mixture of both. Who
knows? I dont. I saw him today too, I was trying not to
look at him, but I cant help it. I love him still. Always
will. And he is having a show soon too, August 4th
actually. Not saying I want to be there, and thankfully
due to prior arrangements I will be unavailable. I'm glad
he is putting on a show, he seems to like it, maybe thats
his life passion. Heather and I were trying to figure out
our life passions, her's is writing...mine, that I do not
know. I just dont have any passions about anything
anymore. At one time it was my poetry, about latter
highschool boyfriend...i'd just write these long as poems
about how i felt about him...instead of a journal. They
hurt to read still. A lot of it was about our bad
times...we had a lot, but persevered...and thats why I cant
hate him either, tho I never wanted to. He seriously has
been with me thru thick and thin, he has seen more sides to
me than I ever thought I had. I saw all his sides too. We
dealt with a lot of stuff together that highschoolers
should not have to deal with...and after we broke up (and
that was a truly mutual break up) I couldnt stand to hear
his name for almost a year, I couldnt stand to see anyone
who reminded me of him, in that year I grew up a lot. My
first true heartbreak and I brought it upon myself. I mean
I talk to him rarely now, but at least we can talk, like
normal human beings when forced to. It's not friendship
but a certain bond where you just know everything about
this person and you know he knows everything about you,
without saying a word. I love him still too. But not
nearly in the same way as I love Matt. Like with
highschool boyfriend it was a friendship love you know? It
just never felt serious. With Matt it was a type of love
that I have never experienced, something I do not know if I
will ever experience again in my life...im sure I will
someday. I mean it was love but it was also this need I
had to be with him, I just didnt ever want to be without
him, I swear he just has this power over me.
I'm crying, why the fuck am I crying? Cause I love him and
dont want thigns to be like this, but this is now, actions
of the past has brought me to this present situation...I
cant change the past, I cant force someone who doesnt want
to be with me to be with me, I cant force him to understand
me, I just really wish he did sometimes. But I cant
explain my actions, I just do what I do, it makes me me.
I even thought about changing for him, but that's not
right...love is for the whole person good and bad, at least
thats how i think of love. You love a person for all of
their parts. I think when you realize you are in love you
see the person and no matter what fucking bad habits you
hate of theirs you accept them and learn to love them,
thats how i felt about matt anyway, i also felt that i
could tell him whatever i was thinking good or bad, but of
course now realize I couldnt and I shouldnt. Somethings
are better left unsaid. I always say to myself never
regret anything, but I always end up doing that. And right
now I regret a lot of shit. And Im still crying...god I
hate crying. But I remember probably teh last time i
talked to matt in person he said "I dont want to be alone"
he never said "i dont want to be without you" That hurts
too. A lot. I pick up on stuff that probably has no
meaning and over analyze it.

Other than my crying/thinking fest im just bitter cause
sprint keeps saying they never got my check for my cell
phone which by the way is turned off has been for a
while...I miss my cell phone, and you know what the sad
thing is? I still have Matt on speed dial...i cant bear to
take his fucking name off of it. =0/

Oh yeah also back to Matt, there is a song that I listen to
by the lovely band Jawbreaker that reminds me exactly what
I fucking feel towards him:

I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both

A week inside, I think I'm starting to show.
I told myself to keep myself in line.
Should we get married or just go on killing each other?
I don't think I hate you enough to commit you to me.
Happy all the time. It's all we ever do.
Steady in decline. It's all we ever do.
I'm sorry but it's true.
How can I save you when I couldn't save a dime.
I want to call you and tell you that I'm a fan.
All my friends know better but I can't quite hear them.
Still for the life of me I can't imagine our home.
Good things, that's all I want.
All I want for you.
Hold me. Set me free.
It's all I want from you.
It's sad and it's so true.
If you can't be the life of the part,
You'll be the death of everyone.
All I want is a life without parties.
Want you as one.
Watch this pot and it is sure to boil.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking,
"Boy, or girl?"
Kiss me on the teeth. It's all that we can do.
Punch me. Wake me up.
This lullaby is blue.
Lie and say we're through.

Its like Jawbreaker took all my feelings made a song before
this whole situation ever happened.