Self harming dyke
3 weeks today
So. It could have been 13 weeks, but for that one episode.
I still feel extremely proud of myself. I think we are
allowed to slip up from time to time and I should not be
too harsh with myself about one glitch.
I am still having problems with weight issues. I make
myself sick every evening and do not eat lunch. I was
losing again last week but then I was at a wedding this
weekend so I allowed myself to eat loads there and now feel
all fat and bloated. Every time I get back down to 67ish
kilos, I go somewhere where I eat loads and get back up to
70 again. I am fed up with being 70 kilos. It is better
than 86, as I was, but I want to be 63. That would mean
that I was less than 10 stone. It is a real challenge for
me. When I first started losing weight it was with a great
incentive - I was to see "the doctor", that lovely locum I
wrote so much about before, at Christmas. Well, every time
I wanted to eat I thought of her. Now I will not see her
again and have lost the crush a lot, they always fade with
time. The one crush I do have a little at the moment is
my "référente" - named nurse at the hospital. She's not
pretty at all, and seemed like a real battle-axe at first,
but soon became a really strong ally and a good friend to
me. I miss her a lot and would love to see her again. I
might pop into the hospital at the weekend and see if she
is around. I want to let them know that I am OK after going
in there the other week when had cut my wrist.
So, back to the weight thing. I would like to lose weight
still, although it is less important than it was. I mean, I
am normal weight now, though I was obese before. What
scares me is how easily I put it back on. Just a day of
eating lots and I can manage to put on a couple of kilos. A
stone in a week has happened. The doctors do not believe
this, but it is true. I should know - I weigh myself every
day, at the same time each morning with no clothes on. I
think my body clings to anything it is given since I feed
it so rarely. Well, I do feed it, but I throw it up again.
I am determined to lose the 7 kilos. I don't feel actively
depressed at the moment, in fact feel quite happy a lot of
the time, so I can have an eating problem that is not
actually directly part of the depression. However I do know
that I have to be careful because starving yourself can
encourage depression and vomiting regularly can be
demoralising too. As long as am losing the weight, I feel
very happy with myself.
Is anyone still reading this?