Finding my Light
2002-08-13 06:51:19 (UTC)

Nick (Kevin)

I have so much pain that I've caused to myself.
Normally this would not happen to me, but I guess maybe I
was weak at the moment. Or maybe my mind was cloudly or
blurred. I don't know. All I know is that if I had been
fully myself the situation I'm in would never had
happened. I wish every day that this never had happen and
at the same time I'm very glad it did. You see, I carry so
many burdens on my shoulders and I pray that this doesn't
become one of them.
It all started when my family and I went to Lake Havasu
at the end of June. When we got their my sister, Shauday,
called our friend David to come over. A little later he
showed up with his friend Nick, who I haven't seen in a
very long time. When I looked at him he was looking at me
and our eyes locked. I wanted to slap him so badly and yet
hug also. Luckily the night went on well and Nick and I
finally got to talk after so long.
The very next day after my family and I returned back
to my grandmother's house from the lake Nick and David came
over. Again the night went well. Nick and I talked more
and got some things cleared between us. That night I say
something in Nick. Something that I couldn't even tell you
to this day, but somehow it seemed familiar. Like I should
have known at that moment, but whatever it was it grabbed
my attention and it still hasn't let go.
The next day after we returned off the lake Shauday and
I had Nick and David pick us up and take us to his house.
It was strange being at his house, but I felt comfortable
anyway. I got me his mother and father whom I quickly fell
in love with. Much of the evening was spent in his pool.
We all had a fun time and quickly I began to sense
something between Nick and I. Now I know what that was,
but then I wasn't quite sure and some how I liked it. The
main clue that finally put everything together was when I
was drying my hair in another room and as I was I
discovered Nick there looking at me smiling. Of course I
smiled back as I always do with people. What he did next
shocked me to the core. I walked over to him and he hugged
me. That's not ther shocking part though. The shocking
part was when he said he missed me. That simple little
sentence changed me forever. My heart raised and I felt
completely happy while I was in his arms. Later that night
he took us back home and kissed me on the cheek before he
The last night we were their was the hardest. Again we
were all at Nick's house in the pool, but this time
everything was different. Now there was clear flirtation
going back and forth between Nick and I. I was so
comfortable being around him and I felt like I didn't need
to impress him, though I do now like to. On so many
occasions we had come very close to actaully kissing, but
every time one of us pulls away.
Later on that night we all went into Nick's room to
chill. Shauday and David started playing video games while
Nick and I curled up together on his bed. I was so great.
He was s careful with the way he touched me. We whispered
back and forth to each other until finally Nick couldn't
control himself anymore and kissed me. I reach heaven that
night. Little did I know I would reach that very same
heaven only a month later.
The day I left to go back home was one of the most
saddest days of my life. Yet, Nick and I decided to keep
in touch by sending e-mails to each other. It was a
wonderful idea. From that day on I looked forward to
reading the e-mails he sent me. I still do. For a month I
went on without seeing him. But, instead of my feelings
for him slowly going away they built up. I began falling
in love with his e-mails as if they were my only conection
to him.
A month later I returned back to Lake Havasu instead
though Romiah and Gayle accompanied us. That night Romiah
and Gayle finally got to meet Nick. Everyone his it off
that night. Everyone liked each other which made my sister
and I very happy. Before the girls and I went inside Nick
and I talked for a quick minute. That whole night I wanted
to be alone with him, but I knew that time wasn't meant for
until the nest day. We quickly said our goodnights and he
kissed me on the cheek.
The next day was the start of a wonderful vacation.
Every evening when we would all return from a day on the
lake we would all go to Nick's house to go swimming. Nick
and I were bascially inseparable, not that I didn't mind.
I hated it when I wasn't near, but lovd just being on the
side lines watching him. He was so gorgeous. With every
look, kiss, touch, and hug I was falling deeper for him. I
couldn't help it.
Everything about him i adore. I love how independent
he is. The way he treats with parents make me feel so warm
inside because it's hard now to find a guy who actually
respects and loves his parents. He's so loving and
protective, but in a way I think very few can see. He
lives life and yet carries a secrete knowledge inside him
that I yet have been able to find out how he recieved it.
He is smart abd very mature and even sometimes I beleve he
migth be moe mature then me. And I long for his body. He
is so beautifully made. His face is warm and comforting,
his body is soft yet powerfully built, his hands are gentle
and his eyes peircing as if they had the ability to se
things overs can't.
He is everything I wished, prayed, and dreamed for. I
only hope now is that maybe someday I can have him.