bay turtle

This is Reality?
2002-08-13 05:15:44 (UTC)

HUGE fight

I am so fucking pissed off.

I didn't know I could stay this mad this fucking long.

I can feel it in my arms, my legs, my fingertips, my
fucking EARS. I keep clenching my jaw, my hands are

And it's over something stupid, too.

A girl in a chat room who lies to everybody about
everything. We all know she's lying. I thought it would be
interesting to catch her in her own lies.

And we did. But instead of making me feel better, I'm so
mad... I've never been this pissed off before.

It doesn't irritate me that she's lying, it's irritating me
that everybody else is letting her get away with it. It's
no big deal.

This shouldn't be bothering me.

I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm shaking. I'm pissed.

Nobody's letting me vent. I need somebody to let me vent.
None of those jerks is letting me fucking vent.

Have I ever been this upset before? Have they ever seen me
this mad? NO. And you know what? They'll probably never see
me this mad, ever again. But will they just fucking let me
vent to someone? Hell no.

Some friends. Fuck the DC trip, I'm NOT going.

I'm going to want to cry soon. I'll come down from this
rage and I'll want to fucking cry my eyes out. I've been
working too hard, too long. I'm exhausted and theschool
year hasn't even started yet.

I asked them to change the subject, no go. Please don't say
that name; she's the one thing that's pissing me off. No go.
I've tried to be patient, tried to give everybody a fair
chance. All I wanted was somebody to say, "Okay, she's
pissed, everybody back off for a while."

I've put myself into exile of the xf community, I can tell.
I'll bet that even jenn and allie and bri will stop talking
to me.

Like worse things have happened. I value their friendships,
but if they don't want me around, I won't fucking worry

I'd hate to be a burden to defend.

I'll get ready for bed, curl up in my hot bed and cry and
cry and cry.

I'm on overload. First it's Blair's death, (my grandparents
are taking it really hard), and the phones aren't working
right which is just a pain in the ass, then this fucking
leki girl pisses me off, and my "friends" keep trying to
tell me everything is OK when it obviously isn't. I've
spent all week working my ass off for the meeting today
that didn't even go very well (even though we got a lot
done), and then I started working right away to get ready
for the next meeting.

I'm not ready to calm down yet, and I obviously DON'T have
control yet. Is it too much to ask to not be lectured at
while I'm not in control of myself??

I didn't think it was, but I geuss I'm wrong.

I just wrote this big long apology... i'll send it to
everyone involved.