Life as I know it.
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2001-07-11 19:00:52 (UTC)

Thinking when I actually need sleep really sucks.

SO okay after the journal entry last night I went to bed,
and I do feel really bad that Matt found this...not bad for
me but bad for him cause he is really seeing my inner
thought working process. I also went back and re-read my
diary and in my opinion the overwhelming majority of this
was actually good about him. There were bad parts tho and
he saw them, was obviously pissed and told me so...honestly
I'd do the same, but oh well.

I love Matt so much I hate him. Part of me wants to forget
about him totally, i try to think of him as just another
guy in my life, cause he was you know? But he was
completely different, or I wouldnt be still thinking of him
two months after the fact that he dumped me. I cried again
last night, not for him, not for me, but for all the
memories. I fucking hate it so much that I ever let him
into my life the way that I did, I let him get so close to
me, closer than I let most people get to me. I knew it was
going to end, but I was stupid and felt completely open
with him...like I could tell him almost anything and he
would care. He knows my history, like 90% of it
anyway....much more than most people, and probably the same
amount as Lindsay does. And I just dont tell people about
that shit cause its my past, it really doesnt affect me
that much. I have overcome a lot of things in my life,
things that should never have happened but did. I'd like
to think im a stronger person for that, but maybe
sometimes, I dont know....maybe I'm just weaker. And like
right now I'm so scared, about everything, my life now, my
future, everything. No one knows this though...well now
they do=0) BUt Im good at putting up false fronts of
happiness and calmness when inside I feel like Im breaking
apart in a million pieces. It just needs to be done, I
mean I dont need people to know how I am really feeling in
a horrible situation cause that just makes it worse, thats
how i feel. I'd rather take all pain than to see anyone
else put through it you know? At least Im used to dealing
with this kind of shit. Thats why I was seriously
considering taking down my diary last night after I read
what Matt said...I wont repeat it here it was just you know
a usual reaction to you reading someones diary
basically...but I wont take it down, I refuse to, I feel so
much better when I write down all my thoughts, and knowing
that maybe somewhere someone might be reading this and
thinking "yeah, i know what she is talking about".

now let me clear things up with matt, cause hey i feel its
kind of my duty to give you a non-judgemental view on him,
cause you guys know im bitter having the man i love break
up with me, that most of this is pretty bitter towards
him. Matt really is a nice guy. He's just a typical
guy...lol...well not really but he's not an asshole towards
me, he was really sweet, made me smile, god i love him
still but still frustration and anger are all I can really
express anymore towards him...i mean my heart was broekn
you know? Im not going to be all like "wow, hes the
greatest guy in the whole wide world eventho he took a
knife and shoved it in my heart and keeps twisting it"
cause thats what he feels and when he is twisting it its
not him being mean or anything--its him being nice which
hurts more. Because when he is nice, it just upsets me
cause I STILL LOVE HIM, but im not with him, there is never
any hope of me being with him or even if something happened
and we were together, NOTHING would ever be the same...and
I hate him for it. I hate him for hurting me so much, but
its not hate, its frustration, fucking frustration...and
jealousy, cause I dont want him to ever love anyone like he
loved me. It's childish I know, but at least I can admit
it. I dont want to be like in the middle of names like
blah blah blah jenn blah blah blah cause it sounds very
fucked up but I know in my life he wont be just another
name, my god I seriously feel like this was my first real
adult relationship, i had the college one from sophmore to
mid junior year, i had the highschool one summer after
sophmore year til i went to college and the first big
relationship end of eighth grade til late ninth grade.
There was another boyfriend in that whole bunch but I never
think of him anymore, that was just a lame ass relationship
going on freshman year of college. See thats the
relationship I dont want matt to categorize ours
in "lame". I've also dated a lot during the breaks in my
relationships. ANd i started dating matt my senior year,
in February, before that I was truly single for 11months
and I dated only like 4 guys or so in that time... Cause
college boyfriend boy, not the lame ass relationship one,
was an ASSHOLE. He treated me like shit, I let him, I was
stupid. He was 10 years older than me, grad student,
atually taught at my college too. We had a love/hate
relationship which we loved to hate eachother. We'd go out
for a few weeks, break up, get back together for a few
weeks, break up,etc...I finally got balls and ended it
thank god cause I can see myself still in this situation,
oh yeah he also had a fiancee the whole time we were going
out, isnt that nice to find out?

So I end up being Matt's girlfriend with all this emotinal
baggage, i protected myself as much as I could and me
protecting myself pushed him away. It happens. I wish it
didnt but everything in life happens for a reason, and Matt
never did cheat on me, I do believe him when he says that,
I honestly do.
Sometimes I wish he did tho so I can finally stop loving
him as much as I do. I have no reason to hate him other
than him breaking my heart which isnt that bad, really...he
could have doen a lot worse and didnt, I think maybe
breaking up with me was the best solution he could have for
a happier life. I didnt bring much happiness into it, I
was a horrible girlfriend Im not even going to try to deny
that fact, I was trying to push him away everytime I
thought things got too good...you know the saying "too good
to be true"? I believe that. Matt was, I fucked it all up,
but as heather says "you'll have that sometimes"

Writing later, have a job interview in an hour.

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