i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-08-12 22:42:15 (UTC)

Closure, Cliques, and maybe a few regrets.

I am so sick and tired of this place. I never want to see
another "tract housing" neighborhood as long as I live. I'm
tired of living in a place where the Homeowners Association
has more power over how your house looks than you do. Right
now, all my thoughts are focused on getting the fuck out of
here.

Closure? Yeah, screw that. I have absolutely no need for
closure.

So how exactly did I end up at Caitlin's "goodbye" party,
which was basically created for the sole purpose of
closure? I think it had something to do with my lack of a
planned activity for Sunday. Plus, Kripa offered to give me
a ride.

I can only describe the experience as surreal. Half of the
time I spent having an absolute blast. The other half I
spent looking at the clock, feeling somewhat left out and
awkward. There I was, surrounded by a bunch of people who
had formed this kind of elite "clique" of close friends
during the past four years of high school. I don't think
they were purposely elite, but when you spend a majority of
your time hanging out with the same group of people, that's
what happens. You become...a clique.

Needless to say, I was never a part of that clique.

So I basically sat there, enjoyed watching the videos of
past years, and had this underlying feeling of regret the
entire time. I wanted to be a part of this large group of
friends who had shared so many memories. I wanted to have
the whole 'support system of friends' type of thing. I
wanted to be able to say "Yeah, I went to that dance with a
group of my friends" or "Remember when we all..." or
something along those lines. I wanted a clique.

I don't think I'll ever see any of them ever again. Like I
said...I am not a member of the clique. Don't get me wrong -
-- they're all wonderful, fantastic people, and anytime I'm
out with any of them, I always have a blast. I've just
always been someone's 'side thought' whenever I'm invited.
And because of that, I don't think I'll be seeing them
again.

So maybe I did need closure. Maybe that's the real reason I
went. To prove to myself that even though I never fit in, I
didn't care. And even if I did care, I'd get over it,
because life is too big to limit it to one elite clique of
friends.