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August 12, 2002
Lee suggested that I start journaling again. I miss the
poetry that I used to write. The release of emotions it
gave me, the feeling of accomplishment. I know things are
getting mixed up in my head right now. My emotions are
hiding, I don't want to think about things, deal with
things, face things. I'm eating my pain. I've stopped
working out, but today I'm going back. School starts a
week from today. My class schedule looks hard but
comfortable, and if Finish Line ever gets there stuff put
in order, maybe I'll start getting some hours there. Lane
Bryant called an wanted me to come in for an interview.
However, as nice as that would look on a future
application, I'm fairly sure I'd be working on commision
(Finish Line doesn't), and I know I'd have to dress up
every day. Fact is, I don't have that many dressy out fits
and my foot would be killing me if I wore silly shoes
everyday. I also don't want to have to do my hair and
makeup everyday, at least not to the point of church status.
I keep getting off track. I've noticed that in
counseling. He'll ask me how I feel about something, and
I'll tell him how it effects a friend or about something
relating to it. I very rarely have a straight answer. I'm
worried and scared for Jon, I miss Amanda and I'm beginning
to think I should try to reconcile, and more than anything,
I'm suddenly and desperately aware that I don't have any
real close friends right now. I tried talking to Petty the
other night and he told me about his new tennis racket -
which I already knew about. Chonti will be home soon, and
she's a good friend, but our views vary so much on things.
Partly because we're from two different countries and
cultures, but also partly because we've been dealt a
different hand in life. It would be nice to talk to Eric,
but he's either never there or he's there, and Sarah is
too, and she hates me, so it makes it really hard for me to
talk to Eric. It upsets me, more Eric than anything.
She's incredibly jealous and says shitty stuff about me
behind my back, but Eric doesn't want to start any shit or
make anything uncomfortable, and it doesn't really effect
him, so he never says anything about it.
Oh well, I need to get changed and ready to go workout
before I meet my friends for dinner.
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