camicazy

one step back again

somebody said i have a very attractive personality. and
somebody told me that it's the inside that counts. i say
that's what you say to ugly people because you don't have
the heart to tell them that they're just not good looking
enough.

basic insecurities. why are girls more insecure than guys
when it comes to their looks?

i think it's because in our society, girls are the products
and guys are the consumers. as consumers, they pick the
product that catches your eye first. and it's usually
beauty that catches the eye of the consumer first.

of course, consumers also want the best product they can
find. the product has to have many positive ands like
pretty AND efficient AND nice AND caring. if it has an
either or, or neither nor, then it will definitely not be
one of the best out there.

still, the underlying fact when it comes to guys picking
out girls is still basically beauty. first impressions are
important after all.

for some reason, the products who pick out their consumers
are looked down on by society. perhaps it's because
products are not supposed to choose who should buy them?
after all, products were made for consumers. they were made
to satisfy consumers.

guys who meet insecure girls think they're pains in the
arse. i think guys are pains in the arse. they're one of
the most obvious reasons why girls are insecure.

---

woman talking to my mom. sees my older sister.

WOMAN: oh! is she your daughter?
MOM: yes.
WOMAN: oh she's very beautiful!
MOM: thank you. (pause. points at me) she's my daughter too.
WOMAN: (looks at me) oh.

---

i am still haunted by a ghost that i should cast away.

sometimes i wish i'm an only child. perhaps, an only girl
in a family of boys. that way, i wouldn't have to be
compared to anybody. anybody close to me that is. attack me
for how i look or compare me to my sisters and you will
truly break me down.

though i accept the things that i am not and can never be,
it still hurts when i hear things that other people say
about me. sometimes i wonder if i should apologize for not
looking like my sisters.

whenever i see the shakes of people's heads when they look
at me, or whenever i hear people talking about my older
sister being the prettiest, or my younger sister being the
prettiest, i feel nothing but sadness.

i can still remember their words. i can still remember the
tones of their voices. i can still remember listening to
someone talk, without him knowing that i could actually
understand the language that he was talking in.

sometimes i wish i can just run away from them. i wish i
can just run away from family sometimes...because whenever
i'm with them, i feel...as if i'm not good enough.

i don't want my younger sister to come here. she doesn't
want to. my parents keep telling me to convince her to come
even after my mom said that she's not going to force her
to come over cuz she's leaving everything in 'God's hands'.
after all, the reason why we're here in australia is
because God wanted us to come over. yes mom. of course god
wanted us to come over. after all, it was all your idea.

yet i know that the problem does not lie in the people
around me, but in myself. i can't accept myself for who or
what i am.

i'm a 5 out of 10. big time failure as my younger sister
said.

i don't wanna be pretty if my hair's just right and if my
face is at the right angle and if i smile at the right
moment. i wanna be pretty even though my hair is a mess and
my face is at the wrong angle and i don't smile at all.

i just wanna be naturally pretty. wish i am actually. but
guess i'm not. so yeah. gotta live with it.