stini2002

foolish
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2001-07-11 07:13:30 (UTC)

Breaking up is hard to do.......

Journal,
Today, i broke up w/ my boyfriend. It's
midngight, i just wrote the worse essay ever, and my mind
is going through hell, because i don't know how i feel.
Let's call him, umm, Uggs for now. Well,
yesterday, i found out that he was bisexual ( we had been
going out for about 2 weeks). I tried to act cool about it,
though it truly affected me. I'm usually open-minded about
such things. I mean i have freinds who are gay and lesbian
and in-between. When he told me though, I flipped out
inside. I tried my hardest not to show it. Through the
night, and the entire next day it began eating through me.
Bugging me, hurting me in ways i don't think i can
describe. Even, though i have no reason to hurt, and i'm
just being foolish like i always am.I don't konw what's
wrong w/ me. Well.....i better go on w/ the story.
Well, tongiht i decided that i would be just fooling
myself and him if i stayed in the relationship. It would be
painful for both of us. I fell for something, that was
changed by the fact. I thought hard about perhaps being
able to put it behind me, but i'm the kind of person that
something like that would bug to death. I probably might as
well have killed myself over it. I thought, that though i
could go through it for now, it would hurt the relationship
in the future, and it would hurt that much more. ( but who
would've said that it woudl hurt this much now......)
You see, i'm the kind of person that lacks self
confidence and everything that it tkaes for one to be able
to be strong enough to go through with this. I don't think
anybody realized how difficult this is for me. I can't
believe that it's mainly my fault too. I wanted to know his
secret, and he told me. Perhaps, if i hadn't been soooooooo
incredibly nosy and pestering, i woul'dve been bettter off.
God, i can practicaly feel myself breaking right
now.........................................................
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..........I"m SOO FUCKING STUPID. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING
FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING stupid. I ruined the only
relationship that the guy had any feelings for me. I've
only gone out w/ carelss heartless, cruel jerks. I usually
dated the JOCK type, the kind that only wanted 1 thing. The
kind that could care less how i felt, what had happened in
my day, anythign about me. You get the idea. Though, i wish
me and uggs could get through it, i'm quite sure it just
won't work. God knows that i love him, but it
just............it just.........it just......is differnet
now. Why did i have to find out. Why did i have to be so
sure on finding out. WHY WHY WHY WHY. Though, i hope me
and Uggs will still be friends, that depeneds on him.
God......i should go play russian roulette w/ myself.
I deserve it.
oh well........
..........life has it's ups and downs.........i just happen
ot be falling off the edge of the earth right now......no
biggie......................................................
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yours...............Christine


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